shifting mists
2002-07-01 22:50:49 (UTC)

it's cold in here .. (or, maybe i'm just being selfish) ...

somehow . . over the last couple days i .. ~sigh~ ... i don't
know ... i feel like Jeremy and i are not going to ''make it'' ...
that ... things are going to fall apart ... are falling apart ... and
that there's nothing i can do about it .. nothing i can do to stop
it .. to save it ....

i know i should have told you
i was so afraid you'd leave

... it hurts ... and it's scary ... and ~godDamNiT~ it hurts so
badly ...

And now there's nothing left to say
Well nothing that you'd believe

... i feel like i've been handed broken promises and half truths ...
i don't know if it's because of the ''fight''/difficulties Jer and i
went through on Saturday night ... or something else ... i don't
know ... it's almost like because he hid going out with Russ from me
that i feel he had to have some reason for hiding it ... that there
was some reason he felt the need to keep it from me ...

i never meant to hurt you
With the things i couldn't say

.. and the only reason i can think of is the drinking ... but maybe
that's because when i was upset and didn't want to talk about it that
was the first thing he said ... ''are you upset at me about the
drinking?'' .... and ... to be honest .. somewhere inside i am ... or
rather ..scared ... because he'd said he'd stopped at one point ..
because he'd said he doesn't need it .. that he doesn't ~want~
it .... and yet ... he goes out and does it anyway ... with Russ ..
with other men ... after work .... and i'm not sure if it's something
i can deal with ... or even want to deal with ...

i promise you tomorrow
While denying you today

.... i mean .. i don't give a fuck about him going out ... that's not
the issue .. it's the drinking that's the issue ... because, as i
said ... he'd says he doesn't need it .. that he doesn't ~want~
it ... so why the fuck even do it?

These lies have torn my world apart
These lies have torn my world apart
These lies have torn my world apart

... he's always on my ass ... ''don't smoke that shit .. it's not
good for you'' .. yeah ... well .. his drinking isn't good for him
either .. yet he does it ... i haven't smoked pot since last
October .. or was it September? ... can he say the same about his
drinking ... no . he can't ... he can't even claim that it's only
once a week ....

A darkness grows inside me in fading shades of gray
All the colors of the world are slowly sucked away

... and that's part of the problem ... he knows how i feel about
it ... he knows ... just as i know how he feels about the pot ....
yet he does it anyway ... i mean .. what? .. does he think that my
opinion about alcohol is somehow different than is opinion about
pot? .... if anything, i'm positive that mine is probably much, MUCH
worse than his ....

i'm sinking ever deeper to a place that's cold and black
i can't believe i've lost you and you're never coming back

... but yet ... it's okay for him to drink as long as he doesn't
bring it in the house ... yet not okay for me to smoke .. whether at
home or outside the home ...

These lies have torn my world apart
These lies have torn my world apart
Torn my world apart

... and it hurts .. that he can be so hypocritical ... .it hurts that
he obviously doesn't care ... that i can talk about all this with him
and he ~still~ doesn't care ... and it's pretty damned obvious that
he doesn't care ... that he'd rather be evasive and sneak around and
be secretive and just plain ignore my feelings on this ....

Soon the night will take me and save me from my pain
Cloak me in cold darkness and help me lose your name

... i don't know ... i mean ... i guess if it was a beer once a week
or something i'd not have so much of an issue (except for that whole
hypocritical part anyway .. because it iS extremely
hypocritical) .... but it's not ''a beer once a week'' thing ... i
know it's not ... and whether or not he'll admit it .. he knows it's
not too ...

Lyrics courtesy of the song ''Torn Apart'' by Stabbing Westward.