Heather

Heathers Torment
2002-07-01 17:55:22 (UTC)

confusion

Dammit I took my Tylenol PM just as daddy instructed, with
Daddy Bear (my teddy from Jeffwey; I hold him when Jeff
can't be here) in hand, little Baxter curled at my feet and
I still can't freaking sleep! I don't know if I am worried
that I've gained to much weight, that daddy is going to
leave me again(now that baby has), or I am really bothered
about getting a shot tomorrow! That is pretty sad!!! I just
can not deal with the stress! I can not stand the feeling
of gaining even an ounce, which means I must have other
deep seeded issues that have been left unturned... If that
is my number one issue at the moment, I HAVE DEEP SICK
ISSUES!!! I should be losing sleep cuz I am losing a baby,
not cuz I may lose Jeff (even though I don't "HAVE" Jeff I
still like him around... He has become fun again lately and
he laughs at my jokes! He makes me feel good... don't know
why?), not cuz I have gained this weight, and DEFINATELY
not cuz of a freaking needle. I guess this is my own
sickening way of dealing with this without driving myself
to be institutionalized. I have to thank the lord in heaven
that Jeff hasn't bailed on me again! I truly couldn't
handle that again! I would be crushed beyond repair. I
think that Jeff knows that and feels bad about the first
time... I hope he does any ways. I had so much trust in
him... Now I fight myself daily to believe any word that
comes out of his mouth. I don't really think I want to know
the truth of where Jeff was last time or what he was doing.
I am just trying to think of today... People make mistakes.
At least it seems Jeff is coming to terms with his and
trying to make up for it. I just hate that he emotionally
raped me for those 3 months of torture.: ( Jeffwey is being
a good daddy now so I need to focus on that. Keep looking
at tomorrow and leave the past where it belongs... Don't
hate him for what he did yesterday, show him care for what
he does today and tomorrow. I can never FORGET, but am
trying to FORGIVE. I really cared about Jeff before that
happened and hope my heart can forgive him and we can
become the friends that we should have been all along!





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