SkiZ0FreNiK

Behind the Broken Windows
2002-07-01 03:28:31 (UTC)

And now Your Back, From Outer Space.

I think that tonight's entry title is just perfect for
it's content. I'm pleased to say that I am sane again
tonight, after a long two day absence. As I said in the
last entry, I tend to regress and emotionally sut down when
I'm under stress. It's what keeps my "mental issue" under
control. The entry I wrote, and the disturbing short story
I wrote that followed it were proof of what happens when
that regression fails.
I have a dark, twisted side to my personality, and I do
everything I can to hide it from people, especially Kelly.
I saw what Don was doing, I saw her try to resist and then
give in, and I knew that she couldn't help herself, but
instead of doing something smart like standing up for her,
or voicing my opinion, I locked up, so that I didn't turn
into my other self and lose it completely. If any of you
read a lot of Stephen King, you can picture that side of me
as one of his greatly detailed death scenes. Thoughts of
murder, rape, and torture dominate that portion of my
subconcious, and often come out during feelings of rage and
annoyance.
I have learned that just hiding from the problem can
keep the rage away, and thusly, those feelings. So Kelly,
if you got the impression that I wouldn't tell you how I
was feeling, that's why. I just can't mentally handle these
situations, and I break down and write the kind of hurtful
things I did last night. I'm sorry if I hurt you, or if I
seemed unfair. Instead of letting out small bits of anger
at a time, and chance releasing the thoughts, I just store
it up, until it all crashes out on whomever is closest.
This is a problem that no once can help me with, at
least no one that has tried so far. I guess I just hate to
feel so vulnerable. This isn't me, I'm not this kind of
person.
I used to fear sleeping every night, because I knew that
I would have to face those thoughts in my dreams. I was
afraid. I still am. I haven't had any dreams in months, but
talking about it will probably trigger one tonight. Maybe I
just won't sleep. Staying up all night would be a good
thing, it would give me a chance to spend all night with
Kelly, at least in mind, one last chance before you go.
Pulling out of her driveway only 40 minutes ago, I felt a
tug at my soul. That was when I realized that my love had
never faded, I had only forgotten it. You have a permanent
place in my thoughts tonight Kelly. I'll miss you so much.
A whole week without you, and only days after I got back
from Maryland. I don't know if I can make it. OK, I have to
stop now, I can almost feel the tears coming up
again. "You're everything I see, now tell me, do you see
me?"

Stay Tuned,
Gio.




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