My So Called Life
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2002-07-01 02:40:09 (UTC)


i feel like all i ever write in here are rants about my
pathetic love life. i do have other things going on in my
life. i have fun, i do things that make me happy and
really since school ended, i haven't thought about matt
very much. i mean, i do sort of stalk him. stalk is a really
strong word though. i mean i drive by his house
occationally but it's when i'm on the way to charmaine's
and i don't always do it. accept for that one time when i
stalked him and drove in the rain smoking cigarettes in
a rather psychotic way, i've never just driven there for
"fun". love makes you looney. i think it is love though.
i;'ve been in love and although i venture to say that this
is rather different, i see similarities. i really miss matt
right now. i went to see Mr. Deed's tonight and i cried at
the end because i want someone to love me. i feel
unloveable but i suppose i'm not. i mean, i do know of
people who love me but the wrong people, ya know?
not that i don;t appreciate their love, but the one person
i really would like to love doesn;t love me. he;'s so what
i want right now. i was talking to charmaine and we sort
went through what type of guy i like. i want then to be tall
and sort of athletic with dark hair and dark eyes.
someone who listens to rap but doesn't think he's
black. someone who dresses well. someone who
won';t yell at me for smoking and tell me it's bad for my
health. someone who would want to go to a Red Sox
game with me. someone who would go to the driving
range with me and not laugh when my ball only goes
100 yards. someone to smoke weed with. someone
who wants to try to love me even if he doesn;t at first.
someone who will give me and appreciate a thoughtful
gift...... there's so many other things. like a guy who like
animals and has one. someone who drives and sees
how benneficial a lisence is. someon who will defend
me when his friends call me a lesbian. matt is like all
of those things. he's so perfect for me. ahhh... love is
so confusing.