The Freak Underneath: Kate
2001-06-25 23:01:44 (UTC)

i guess i'll start it out with my history of this past year...

Hey. I'm kate, and this is my first online diary, so bare
with me. I'm 14, and I just graduated from the 8th grade.
My life's just starting to balance out, from this past
year. Ok..this is what's gone on. Last year, 2 weeks before
school started, I was sent to my first psych hospital. I
was sent there for suicidal thoughts, attempts, depression,
self-mutilation, paranoia, symptoms of schizophrenia, and
borderline personality. I haven't cared for my life, for
around 5 years now. I became suicidal because of the
ignorant people that I just happened to come across. All of
my life, I've been made fun of. And really for no reason.
Well, besides the fact that I've always dressed differently
and acted differently. So basically, I've been picked on
all my life for just being myself. And believe me, I dont
give a shit what anyone thinks of me. But years and years
of it gets to ya. So by the time i was 11, i was suicidal.
And i started cutting myself 1 1/2 years ago. So, i was put
in my first psych hospital. There, i was put on anti-
depressants (Celexa) and anti-psychotics (Risperdal). While
i was there, i revealed that i was anorexic. I was 108 lbs.
Luckily i didn't drop under that weight, or they would've
had to force feed me. I was there for exactly 2 weeks. I
wasn't ready to leave though. I told the "doctor", but he
refused to let me stay. So, i was discharged the day before
school started. That night, when i was home, i cut up my
stomach. The hospital had done nothing for me. The meds
didn't do anything either, except make me tired for a
couple days. So the next day, i went to school, my cuts
still fresh, and stinging. I went to school for 1 1/2 days.
The second day, which just happened to be my brother's
birthday, i went in to see one of the social workers. I
told her that i cut the night before, and that i still
wasn't stable. So that day, i was sent to my second
hospital. It killed me that i wasn't there for my brother's
17th birthday. I hated myself so much for that. When i was
at this new hospital, i was severly tramatized. Whenever i
felt like cutting, they put my hands in a bucket of ice and
freezing cold water, until my hands hurt like a mother
fucker. They also would wrap me up tight, in a cold, wet
blanket, for about an hour. Now, because of that, i'm
deathly afraid of certain cold things, such as ice. I
remember, 3 days before i was to be discharged, i flipped
out. I was in my room for quiet time. I started screaming,
and scratching myself, and crying. So staff came in and
dumped the bucket of ice on me, but that didn't calm me
down. So they wrapped me up in the blanket. Even though i
was wrapped tight, i still managed to get my hands up. I
started scratching my stomach. So they gave me a shot of
Thorazine into my ass cheek. They jabbed that mother fucker
in. I still didn't calm down, so they ran me to my room,
and put me on 4-point. 4-point is where they strap your
arms and legs to the bed. Now, whenever i go to sleep, i
can't lay on my stomach, because i have flashbacks of that
night. The same with something cold. I get flashbacks, and
sometimes i even go into convulsions. But anyways. I was
discharged from there after 2 weeks. I was more fucked up
leaving me there, then i was going there. 2 nights after
being discharged, i cut up my stomach once again. A week or
2 later, my cuts were discovered, and i was sent to my 3rd
hospital. This one was a long term hospital, unlike the
first 2. In this hospital, i learned a little bit. But I
grew a serious anger problem. I'm thankful that i went into
the 3rd one, because i met my lifetime friends, Dave,
Samantha, April, Melissa, and Terence. I was in this
hospital for my birthday, which was 11/2/86. That was the
crappiest birthday i've ever had. Oh yeah..it was so great.
IS HEARING VOICES!! YEY!!..no..i dont think so. I was there
for 2 1/2 months. i'm a little bit better. I have a lot
more to my history, but i'm tired of typing. So later, i'll
start writing my present.