Meshed Up
2002-06-30 10:06:43 (UTC)

June 30, 1984

today is supposed to be one of the turning points in my
life. but today feels like an ordinary day.

the more days i spend here, the more i realize how much i
love my friends, and how much i like my parents more if
they're far away from me.

i am reminded of why i prefer to be alone and far away from
them. i was reminded of it today, when i was in the car,
staring up at the dark gray sky.

i realize that i treasure my friends more then my family.
more than my cousins too. more than my uncles and aunts and
whoever else out there that are my supposed 'family'.

my eighteenth year is about to begin. after this day, the
clock will once again tick on to endless maturity. i have a
lot to learn.


a friend told me that a lot of people are blaming me
because our high school yearbook hasn't been released yet.
it saddened me. is it truly my fault? i was the editor-in-
chief of the yearbook. i did all that i could. the staff
worked hard to make the yearbook a very special one and we
put in many hours of hardwork. we sacrificed our summer
vacation just to work on the yearbook. everything is
complete except for one thing: we do not have sufficient

the school refused to give us any support (although it was
them who demanded that we produce a yearbook). our
batchmates gave only a tiny amount and they refuse to give
any more. but now they are blaming the staff for not being
able to produce a yearbook.

i suppose it is my fault. they chose me to be the editor-in-
chief and it is my responsibility after all. but what else
can i do? i did all that i could. i don't know if i can do
any more.

i don't know how the rest of the staff feels, but we really
placed a lot of hard work in there. it's such a shame to
see all that work go down the drain. i am pretty proud of
the outcome: the layout, the write-ups, etc. but's all about money. no money, no yearbook, and
nobody will be able to see the fruits of our labor.

when sir menguin found out that i might go into corporate
law, he said, 'so you're just after the money.'

i said, 'that's what my dad wants me to be.'

and sir menguin dreamed of being a human rights' lawyer.
someone who will defend the righteous and stand up for the
innocent...even if it meant that they had no money.

do i dream to be rich? i wouldn't mind being rich. but i
wouldn't mind not being rich either.

my real dream is to have my own magazine. i don't want a
fashion magazine, nor a news magazine, but...something
else. something more expressive, more challenging. i don't
know exactly how i want it to be yet really...but it might
lean more to the side of activism, of changing things, of
shaping society into something more ideal.

i want to change things more than i want money. i want to
be heard more than i want money. i want to be a naomi
klein, a jose rizal, a pablo neruda, an ivan klima...

but...if i can not even produce one yearbook, then how can
i produce thousands and thousands of editions of my future

there is indeed a lot more for me to learn.


dad said that the leftists or socialists want to change
things simply because they want to cause trouble. his exact
sentence was, 'they just want to cause chaos. they are
nothing but troublemakers.'

i felt a surge of anger when i heard that but i kept my
mouth shut. how i wish i could tell him that i am one of
those 'troublemakers'. i wish i could tell him that the
socialists want change because of their ideals and not
because they want to cause trouble. i am not an
activist...not yet anyway...and i am not an extreme
leftist, but i am leaning more to that side. i dislike
capitalism and how it encourages class division. but it is
because of this that made my dad who and what he is now. it
is because of capitalism (and the person's hard work) that
made so many people rise to the top. but it left--and is
leaving--many people trampled in the bottom of this social
scale that we have.


i finally met my big brother (sometimes it really feels
like we're related) today in church. he said he got me a
present but it fell off on his way there. it was only a
small thing that he placed in his pocket and it fell off.
at first i thought he was joking since he is a real kidder.
but he was serious. and he said he'll just get me another
present. i told him that he didn't have to...that having
him as my brother was good enough for me. but he said he
wants to make me smile.

my brother, the criminal lawyer. i am so proud of him. he
was one of the top ten students who passed the law bar exam
in the entire country. i had to bake cookies for him
because of that (it was a bet). he travels constantly
nowadays since he has cases to work on. very busy guy...and
yet he still finds time to bake the best blueberry
cheesecake ever for me.

one of the most memorable things that he told me when i was
down was 'shit happens'. i burst out laughing when he said

memories memories. sigh. eighteen years. the show must go