Pandora

2:30 Makes it Hard Not to be Honest

30 June 02
2:30 a.m.

So what sucks about 2:30 is that I'm too tired to bs and the hardest
person to be honest with is self. But here go my thoughts.

I got an email from someone that I replied to a long time ago about
something and I read it and I loved her. That was all it took. It
was so strange that I mentally fixated on it.

Which brings me to love. I'm always amazed at how easily I love
others and not me. I'm currently so in love it hurts and at the same
time I have moments where I would gladly erase myself out of
existence. But love is weird like that.Weirder still are the ways
that I have loved. My best friend (actually, that's a questionable
label) used to be one of the few people I loved wholly and
unconditionally and lately I've begun to feel as if I should
terminate the relationship. This is one of the hardest things I've
ever been through. If she were a guy and this were a romantic
relationship, I wouldn't struggle nearly as much with this (because
when it's over with a man, it's over with him and you end it and
move on). Because it's been so long and because she's a she, I'm
struggling. I see things now that I didn't see before; perhaps
because I didn't want to? I'm trying to phase out the relationship,
hoping I can do that and make things easier on us both. I know she
can't help but feel it to. I haven't talked to her in a week; we
used to talk every day for hours. I want it to be painless and
simple. Maybe that's selfish. But I never thought there would come a
time when I wouldn't tell her things, and now I hardly tell her
anything, and a lot of it is because I think she wouldn't understand
or simply that I don't want her to know. Which gives us little to
talk about. When we do talk the conversation feels forced and
juvenile. What was once necessary now makes me feel slightly
burdened.

And then there's Bird. But I don't know if I'm up to going into that
tonight.