delicate sliver

Endless, namless
2002-06-30 05:26:54 (UTC)

I am Jacks burning teenage angst

I have had a bad day today to say the least. My father
almost draged me to another hospital today, it wasn't even
that i needed to go, it was that the mother didn't want me
in her sight any more. She wants to be rid of me. She
utumatily wants to send me to a group home and she never
wants to see me or speak to me again. I wonder some times,
am i that repuslive? I know I'm mean to her, but SHE WAS
ABUSIVE, I haven't forgiven her for that, its not easy. She
gets on my nerves and she is compleatly insane. Also she
has never in my who life been there when i needed her. How
can i be expected to love and respect and worship some one
who has never been reliable or predictable, she hasn't been
a mother, she has been sick my entier life. All the
memories i have of her are her constant vomiting and being
so sick she couldn't get out of bed for three days in a
row. I never remember a happy person who made dinner and
took me to the park. As for my dad, he has never been there
either. Once he lost his job he spent all his time in his
office, hidding. Me and Alex were left to wonder how to get
along in life, with no assictance and no roll modles.
Every one keeps telling me that I have to change MY
perseption, that the problems are with me, that i need a
reality check and my mother is perfectly normal and my dad
has always been there when i needed him and that my
feelings of abandonment and abuce are just fabrication
created in the depts of my morbid twisted mind. Im the one
whos insane and abucive.
I keep telling myself that if i just get through this
then when im eighteen ill be free of them. I may not have
financial freedom and i may not be free of school and i
might have a crappy ass job that pays minimum wage for the
first three months and i might live in someones garage, but
i will be free of them. My dad says, "sara eighteen is not
a magic number, it dosnt mean you can move out, it dosn't
mean any thing." Well dad, news flash for you, when i am
eighteen i am a leagal adult and i can do what ever i want,
i can become a stree kid, or adult as the case may be, i
can move out if i want to. YOu will no longer have control.
I am not alowed to talk to my sister any more. Sweet
little pitifull realse is gone for good. All the happiness
has been erased from my life. My parents weren't there, my
sister was in and out, she was untill today and now she is
gone forever. Alex was there, we had our fights but he was
there and i though somehow in this childish way that he was
never going to leave. I thought that we loved eachother so
much that we couldn't be seperated. I was very wrong. They
took him away too. He lives two hours away in a group home.
He is not dead but it seem that way. My contact with him is
minimal.
What are you going to do with your life? I am a fourteen
year old middle school drop out, Im anorexic, suicidal,
poorly educated, overly isolitive and angry. Did i mention
that i cut my self. I don't know. I am really lost. I have
social anxienty disorder, im shy beond my control and i
feel alone. ITs painfull to feel so utterly alone but so
scared of people.
Also i feel angry with myself for being so negitive about
things all the time. I am greatly agitated by people who
constantly complain that there lives are crap and they want
to die. Now i seem to have become what i dislike.
Now ill try to counter it with some brighter things:
Maybe ill get to go to the good school in moroga. Maybe I
wont be sent to the group home. Maybe ill be eighteen
sooner than i think. Maybe ill find a way to feel more
comfertible with other human being and ill make some good
friends who i can spen time with and be happy. At least i
dont live in a third world contry where theres not enough
to drink and i there is no where to live. At least im not
an addict.




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