2002-06-29 09:18:42 (UTC)

im everything i am because you loved me..

heh. what a different meaning that has to me... fuck
him... thats all i can think, when hes being really
great, when i can tell hes lying, when he tries so hard
to pretend hes not... fuck him... because i know him.. and
i know who he is.. and fuck him, because i love him
still. and i pretend too, i pretend i dont know what hes
doing, but i do.. i pretend im so confused and unsure
about his intentions and plans, but really i know. it
will never be the way it was. what do i really want? when
i know that. i know it will never be perfect and magical.
because i know him. and he has already destroyed me,
beyond repair. and im not even surprised anymore. almost
every day, lies, and i know it. i realize it. so what am
i doing... besides making mistakes... making mistakes,
always, never do i do anything right...

and im so afraid this whole thing, this whole year, will
be a mistake. what am i doing. but i cant stay with
them. not only because now its too late, but because i
cant. i dont think, with all her crying that im wanted.
because they're moving somewhere even more expensive than
our place now, so that wasnt a real reason, and ill never
know but it could be worse... it makes me mad that they're
putting it all on me, when they should know its their own
fault, for moving here, for staying together, for her
staying with him, for not taking care of himself FOUR
years ago when he got out of the hospital, then again,
then again... and i told him, every time, that he was an
idiot, and she would get angry and say i shouldnt
criticize him, and now look at the mess they're in.. and i
feel so bad for her, but she doesnt want that... she wants
me to do what she wants.. and its too late.. and ive been
crying too now, with all my shit packed, its really going
to happen. tomorrow. a week from now, i will be all
settled in, living there. not at home anymore. with 2
girls i hardly know.. with no money.. i think now, that
its probably a mistake, but i had to choose between
mistake #1 or #2... maybe #3... so which would be worse?
now i have made my decision, in 4 hours i will have given
them all of my money, and there will be absolutely no
turning back. and so i will make the best of it and it
will be good if i say so.

i wish i knew.. if he loves her.. i wish i could make it
all okay.. and the way he wouldnt let me go the other day..
i dreamed everything was over, all this bullshit, and we
were perfect... and when i woke up, i would expect to have
that glowy happy dazed feeling.. but i didnt..

its almost the fourth of july.. i talked to ashley
earlier. she wrote this poem.. it made me cry.. 4 years
ago.. what if, what if.. and i would have then, never met
him.. never been destroyed so completely and consciously..
and she cant tell me what to do anymore.. but im sure i'll
still find a way to fuck up.. i will never enjoy this

i wonder what it would be like, to instead of leaning on
and needing everyone else, to be the one leaned on.. i
wonder if i'll ever be that strong and independent.. i dont
think so.

when will i be forced to say goodbye?
when will it REALLY be goodbye.
i want to spend the rest of my life with him.
i want to take care of him. i want to cook for him and
clean for him and do his laundry and rub his back when he
comes home and take care of him.
its like theres me... and then theres me when theres him.
and i fucking hate him for it.