Amnesia

dude
2002-06-29 05:46:18 (UTC)

What shaving your head can lead to...

(The original headline for today was suppose to be: Ooh the
temptation.) Unfortunately the story evolved:

I wanted to go out to see Mr. Deeds today with some
friends. I restored some contacts on Eric's barbecue
yesterday. So I wanted to take advantage of the situation.
I wanted to get the car, cause there is no way in hell we
would be able to meet otherwise. (Besides, when I organize
something I want to be incharge. Not that I call someone up
and don't have all the infromation, or I call them up
asking can they drive. That's just wrong.) So I asked for
quite some time to get the car while I was running errands
with my mom. Once I come home Danish gets the car because
he's suppose to drive Arthur somewhere, and ofcourse he
doesn't know what he's gonna do afterwards, but he's gonna
figure it out with his damn cell phone. He'll prabobly end
up back home at 2 a.m. or so. And all my work is for
nothing.

I hardly go outside, and when I do, I feel as though I'd be
under their view. Once that feeling dissapears, I'm usually
expected home. That sucks. I'm prabobly not gonna leave
after that because they think that that is enough going out
for one day. Sleepovers are out of the question.

I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL I'M OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So as usuall, there is nothing good on t.v. nothing good to
read, (not that I wanna at the moment, read enough
already,) nothing to do on the internet, no good games, no
one in this damn house to play ANYTHING with. This sucks,
and makes me do odd things.

For about 1/2 a year I've wanted to shave my head bold. It
just bothers me to have hair, care for it, manage it,
e.t.c... So I wanted to shave it clean off. Atleast for the
summer to see what it will be like. Ofcourse parental
figures don't want that because they will be emarrased
every time I go out in public. (I'm not, why should they
be?)

So while being bored I was walking through my room as I
usually do, when I spotted the raisor that I used to shave
my legs with. (I just cut my hair real short reacently
) So
it was just so easy to go with a raizor through the head
and be bold. I trimmed a little off the sides, and the back
of the neck.

When I was chasing kitty out of my parents room my mom woke
up and I started buggin her about that again. So as usual
she said no. I started a whole heartfelt story which
revolved around a few topics, my head & me going out, which
eventually led to teen pregnancy.

To cut the story short, I told her that I will go bold
eventually, so it's just a mather of time. Then she started
talking about how she thought I'd be the one who wouldn't
loose her mind like the rest of everyone else. (What she
should realize is that that can happen, but it won't if she
doesn't let me out of the house.) So I told her about
that "parents, the anti-drug" commercial. The one where the
girl is at a party (looking like a total individual in a
style my mom would not abide ofcourse,) and she calls her
mom asking can she stay for a little longer. I told her the
same messege that that commercial tried to get through:"Let
your kids be who they are, but know what they're doing." So
her come back was "exactly, I do want to know where you
are. (I tell her though.) The point that she was suppose to
get was "LET YOUR KIDS BE WHO THEY ARE." What a bitch.

Eventually it all fell in how I feel that they (parents,
family) hold me back. How I could have had a great job
Freshman year that pays well, but bozo said I can't ever go
back there because he saw 2 girls my age pregnant. (There
were 3 girls my age pregnant at my last place of
employment. They just weren't pregnant when I was appliying
so I guess it's okay then, huh?) I could have made so much
cash. I could have had a car/ insurance/ a college fund/
much work experiance/ dreams. Speaking of dreams, that's
also what I lost. But she didn't care. She didn't realize
that it was real bad for me when I lost my friends. When
Teresa left, that was the straw that broke the camels back.
I'm crying while writing this. I lost all my dreams and my
ambitions. I became a boring depressing little person
that's never fully happy, and will never be the same again.
Ofcourse she didn't realize that that was a very fragile
point in my life, and just laughed and was very amused at
the part that I, a teenager could be depressed, compared to
all the shit that she goes through. Yes she does have every
reason for a mental break down and much depression, but she
doesn't realize that I have problems too.

Before, when I kept bothering her about that, trying to get
some help, some advice, some way to cheer up that only a
mother could give, she used to say: "Not you too. I thought
you'd be different. Don't you cause more problems." I used
to tell her then that she had me. That whether she likes it
or not that I am her problem too. She can't leave me out
like this.

But we were talking about broken dreams and not being able
to go out often enough, under better conditions. She
stunned me. She told me that my cousin Sylvia is pregnant.
I still can't see it that much. I never am able to
comprehend these things well. (I still don't care much for
my grandma's passing. It just feels like she would be away
for a long vacation and I finally don't have to hear from
her anymore.) Mom told me that all her dreams of making a
career died. That she's embarrased, and it was with great
emberrasment and sorrow that she had to come to her mom and
ask for help. Her dad still hasn't accepted it. He might
never be able to. They keep telling her now that she should
have been like her sister. She's 1 year older then me, 3
months pregnant by her boyfriend. My mom says it's because
she was always complaining to her mom that she can never go
out. I don't think that's the case. Besides, I still don't
know whether she was drunk or not 3 months ago. She was
always more wild then me, and she smoked, and drank. I knew
her company and I didn't like them.

I walked away from the conversation saying that there is no
point to it. It's just a way that I waste time. I open up
because there is something I want and am not getting. So I
want to work on it, and I make pointless efferts that never
have any effect, and don't change anything but time and
tears. Pointless words. A waste of breathe.

I told her that something I always wanted was for this
whole family to go to the psychiatrist. She asked why do I
think that we need treatment. I told her that I think that
every family needs treatment. (Should have added that it
betters the communication. Oh well) She said that she could
ask our doctor to give us a referal. I was like: "what?" I
couldn't believe she was serious. Now that I think about it
though; it's too late. It might have helped before, but it
will certainly not help now. The only one I'm gonna be
looking out for in this family is me and the cat. I don't
care much about anyone else. As soon as I leave this hell
hole, I can begin life, begin my rejuvination.


I can't wait...

-Amnesia

P.S. (Now I just have to get a job that would be able to
get me about $12,000 a year min. So that I can live outside
the house on my own.)