2001-06-25 06:18:58 (UTC)

where has all my suffering..

where has all my suffering gotten me.
it seems like my life
is one huge rerun.
every thought i have is of before.
all the issues i had then.
are still present today...
its just harder now.
more real i guess...
and i dont know if i like it.
why is everyone so unhappy.
and why do people make others unhappy.
you know...
its sick.
i dont understand why i hurt myself.
why i strive for things i know i cant do.
why i push myself way too far.
and get pissed at myself when i can't finish.
im an extremist i guess..
im sleepy now.
and im tired of all of this...
im wondering what the fucking point is.
i mean what is the point of even writing this.
you know.
all this talk.
and poetry. writing. whatever.
it doesnt accomplish fucking anything.
its a way to express shit.
but it doesnt fix anything.
theres nothing you can really fucking DO to fix it.
except take fucking chemicals
to fix whats wrong in your head.
but what kind of happiness is that...
im really tired.

dont worry baby...
you will never be able to hurt me.
as much as i hurt myself.
so, dont bother telling me you lied.
dont apease yourself with crying.
its not phasing me...

you should have known
it wouldnt matter.
i already knew

and im crying now.
not because of you.
but because of what i did.
i let you hold me.
and pretend to love me.
and now, ill pretend.
to forgive.
its all a fucking game.
if you feel any different.
youre lying to yourself.
and im over doing that.

i have a lot of friends...
and for them.
im always there.
because i want them to know.
that i honestly DO care.
even when they treat me badly.
or lie.
or anything.
i tell them i forgive them.
that ive turned the other cheek

im tired and not thinking right
and i hate people for being assholes.
and like.
why am i not an asshole.
you know.
and why do i always care.
and then get hurt.
and fucking yo uknow.
im not stupid.
and im not trying to sound concieted but this is my diary
and all so its alright.
but im pretty. you know.
and im not dirty.
and i have morals.
and i am nice...
and i dont understand....
why so much has gone fucking wrong.
when people who are FUCKING assholes.
end up all happy.
you know...
i just want to be happy.
thats all i want.
im okay with myself now..
but i cant stand how other people are.
and i love so many people.
and you know
i get the whole oh i love you thing too
a lot
but fucking
i know its not true.
you know?
like, i dont get it.
people are so apathetic.
and mean.
and i dont like them
im happier alone i think.
cuz then i dont get hurt.
or mad at people.

im going crazy.
ive noticed it a lot recently.
and like
i threw up tonihgt.
and i NEVER throw up.
and i did 3 times..
the world makes me puke.
i dont know what to do anymore.
im thinking like.
i dont know.
i just need something.
to give me so fucking like..
or hope.
or something.
because i still have hope.
i always have hope.
thats the difference between sergio and i..
but you know.
from the outside.
i cant see what its getting me...
besides false security...

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