Meshed Up
2002-06-28 04:52:26 (UTC)

early morn

i have forgotten how beautiful early morning smells like.

normally my day starts at 10 in the morning. but today, my
little brother woke me up at 6 and i can still remember the
feeling i had when the scent of the morning filled me.

today smelled of baked bread and fresh leaves. everything
felt so new, so clean, so quiet. i felt as if i was in an
entirely different world -- opening my eyes to gentle
sunlight streaming through the windows of my room.

my day would have been perfect had i not found out
something again. my parents are still going through my
things: my personal things. namely, diaries. essays. et
cetera. it really really ticked me off.

why must they force themselves into my life? the answer to
that is obvious of course. they love me. but that does not
excuse them from going through my things. if they truly
loved me, they would respect my privacy and my need for

they frustrate me so much. even now i am paranoid that they
might stumble across this online diary and read all my
thoughts. i do not want them to know what truly goes on
inside my mind. i do not want them to know about my dreams
and my wishes. i do not want them to see what their
daughter has truly become.

i wish they would just leave me alone.

do i love them? yes i do. but my love for them does not
require me to share everything about me with them. i love
them simply because they are my parents. nothing more
nothing less.

my day started out it's not so great. i hope
that tonight will make up for what i am feeling right now.

i see hypocrisy written all over their faces. even when
they speak, even when they smile. perhaps they are who i
got my 'fakeness' from. there is hardly any genuineness
left in our interaction with each other. at least, there is
hardly any genuineness left in me when i talk to them.

a wall has been put up. i started building it ever since i
was in primary school. with every brick i add, i become
more certain that this is what i want. i do not want
everybody to see through me. i do not want just anybody to
see what goes on behind my eyes.

i think most of us are like that. we only let certain
people in. we only let a few people, or perhaps nobody,
know the most intimate detail about ourselves. as for me, i
think only one person knows almost everything about me.

that's one reason why i like so much. i like
its air of anonymosity. it has a dark mysterious feel to
it, of people wanting to be heard and yet hesitating
because of something that holds them back. that's what i
think anyway.

and so life moves on. i must remember to hide all my
personal belongings somewhere else now. i must remember to
delete the history of the websites that i've visited.
unfortunately for me, my parents are computer-literate.
that scares me.