S

trapdoors
2002-06-28 04:02:46 (UTC)

i hate the mall.

should not have went anywhere today. wasn't worth it. i
was feeling better this past week, except tonight i'm sort
of sad. even my rushmore pins aren't cheering me up. i
won them on EBAY and they rock. i took the movie back
tonight finally, but i swear i'm going to have to get
someone to just tape it for me. and i better get the royal
tenenbaums back from my friend soon too. grrr.
i got shallow hal to watch this weekend. comes out
tuesday. i like jack black a lot so i don't mind if it's
not great.

god..why do i feel sad? i should watch something uplifting
so i should watch that tonight, it's a comedy. i need to
stop watching so many sad films.

i don't know, sometimes i just hate feeling like i'm on
display. i know that sounds crazy, but i just feel really
self-conscious lately, well not lately, try the past 13
years. ha. but even more so lately. i think it's because
when i go out i'm all alone, i don't like that much
anymore. i used to be cool with it before i went away to
school because i didn't have many friends and i was so much
more reclusive then, so i was used to going out on my own.
but the past year i've gotten so used to going out places
with someone and now it's just awkward for me to be alone.
i hate that. the sad part is because i am alone i feel
like people are looking at me. when i am out with my
friends i don't feel like people are really looking at me
as much. and instead of feeling good that people are
looking at me, thinking that i'm attractive or whatever, i
feel the opposite. i feel like my skirt is up or
something. like i'm having a bad hair day or i forgot to
zip my pants. that kind of stuff. i swear i act like such
an idiot in front of people too. i saw someone i knew, a
friend of this boy i worked with, and i mistook him for
someone else, someone that i've seen at the mall a few
times. so i called him a mallrat and he is like, "isn't
this the first time i've ever seen you at the mall?" and
i'm like..."oh yeah....duh, that's another guy.." GOD! i
am a fucking idiot. remind me why i don't talk to boys.
ha. because suzanne, you make yourself look like a
complete retard. and to top it off, i was wearing this red
polo dress with white stripes and he says, "are you going
to buy the white stripes album?" cuz we were in the record
store, and you think i would get the joke??? NO! God.
hello! i was only wearing a dress that had white stripes!
*sigh* it is virtually hopeless. i am dumb around the
male species. i am dumb around the female species. i am
of no intelligence around humanity.

so i'm feeling a bit sad about myself tonight. i know that
i think way way way too much about little things that
probably are completely ridiculous to even ponder, but i
can't help it. i have all these thoughts in my head and
these worries, worrying that i'm going to look ugly or fat,
or i'm going to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing.
in my mind i know what people are thinking of me, that is
what I THINK. but how can i know what people are
thinking? it's totally irrational. i have a million
irrational thoughts day to day. if my mind was being tape
recorded that would be sad. i'd definitely sound crazy and
irrational. i'm so preoccupied with what other people
think. i admire those who can be so self-confident. i
think i'm sort of independent but not self-confident,
there's a difference. i'm not a doctor or anything but i
don't think they should have put me on wellbutrin, i think
they should have put me on paxil. in fact, when i go to
the doctor's again i am telling them that. i pretty much
took myself off wellbutrin because it was shite. that drug
sucks. well anyway, enough about my insanity and my meds.
until next time,

S




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