Lizzerbeans

Life is like a bowl of Cherries
2002-06-28 01:45:56 (UTC)

stopthehunger.com/hunger


Dear Diary,

I'm really happy today! Like, really really happy! No
reason for it.. or at least not an obvious one that I'm
aware of.. but you don't always have to have a reason to be
happy.. just gotta be willing I guess.

The other day someone told me that they were worried about
me because I was sad a lot. I guess it offended me at
first .. because I'm not sad a lot. I don't feel sad a lot.
I've probably been distant a lot lately, because there are
things I don't want to think about- things that will
inevitably make me sad- but I'm not sad by nature. Simply
because I don't always enjoy the same things that person
does, it doesn't mean that I'm sad, maybe I'm just not
having a good time at the moment. It doesn't always have to
be deeper than that. ... or does it?

I've been hanging out with my step mom and step brother all
week. We've been having a lot of fun. We go and visit my
pregnant cousin Stacy and hang out with her a lot. She's so
happy. Like, you always hear about pregnant women being
happy.. but until the past week spending time with Stacy, I
never understood. She's genuinely happy about her babies.
You can see her glowing! She shines... its amazing. I'm
glad I've gotten a chance to spend time with her. I really
like it out here.

I speculate that some of my friends think I enjoy coming
out here for other reasons. Bad reasons-- that if I'm put
in a situation where I have a choice to do something bad I
will. And thats completely insane. I guess it just bothers
me when the person I thought would accept me the most has
all these bad images of me. I make mistakes, I'm human. But
if I know it was a mistake, why would I do it again? I
wholeheartedly appreciate that concern, I really do. But at
the same time, I wish my friend would have more faith in
me.

Hmm.. that just adds to my confusion. I was reading
through these entries earlier.. and I read so much of my
advice to other people that hit way too close to home. It
was so weird, like things I believed so strongly in, and
wrote about them, are speaking to me now. Me a few months
ago advising Me now. Its interesting.. but at the same time
its kinda sad, not like boohoo sad, but had I known where I
am now-then. I wonder how I would have done things
differently.

I really wish my dad was here. I think thats why I haven't
gone to get my permit yet. No, I KNOW thats why. We used to
always talk about how fun it would be for him to teach me
to drive. I really miss him. I've always wanted him to be
the first person I drive home. I mean, geez... I would go
and get my permit, and drive him around all day, we had the
whole day planned out! I know I should go get it anyway,
and I will. But a big part of me doesn't want to experience
learning how to drive without him. Maybe that seems small--
but its big to me.

Liz


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