Lost and Searching
2002-06-27 03:53:32 (UTC)

Nightmares are back again

Well after all this has happened with wayne, and not
mentiont that i finally meet his younger brother who is
about the complete one eighty different from him...and then
to hear that he supposedly has a gf who they have been
seen walking around town holding hands...hell that is
something that with me i would of had to drag him around in
the back of my truck.....

but after hearing all of this i am not sure what to think,
it really hurts to be treated this way by a friend and i
believe that it is that hurt that has triggered my night

it has been the same nightmare over and over the last
couple of nights.................the only thing that has
changed in the places where i go do down....first it was at
a party that wayne and I were at one time....but this time
he and i were not together, we were apart, we never talked
with each other but did make contact....I was walking back
to my truck b/c i was ready to leave, but wayne was
following me to talk to me,and when he called my name i
turned around looked him in the eye, adn then proceeded to
pass out.....I was rushed to the hospital, and while i was
laying in the bed, i had i guess what you call one of those
out of body experiences, where you see your body but your
not in it...and wayne was there sitting with me..i remember
wishing that i could see into his mind...but it never
happened....then i from seeing him, i kept thinking, that
here i was, in a place where i didn't hurt, i was
healthy,and for some strange reason i believe i was happy,
and then when i thought i would continue following the
white light, the damn doctors would always bring me
back...didn't they see, that i was happy up there.....but
in the far cornor back of my mind, i didn't want to be
forgotten, i didn't want to be alone when i die, i don't to
leave without experiencing love, having someone tolove me
for who i am ...

i am not ready to die yet, but then there are days that it
seems like if i did,then i would be out of my misery..