2001-06-24 05:41:40 (UTC)

you say...

...i only hear what i want to..and i thought what i felt
was simple, and i thought that i dont belong"

hehehe im happy=) hehe... i didnt write last night cus i
was sooo tired... but im guna write tonight.. cus im really
tired but i dont wana get behind and stuf... okay soo...


yesterday... well first the night before yesterday i all
like talked to caroline for a long time online and shes
really cool... soo yesterday matt called and woke me up...
all like "wana come over and chill" yeahh buddy... i so
just feel like i dont need him in my life, i just think i
need to be the one to do it, not him.. but i hope its not
another mistake, he just makes me soo unhappy... i care
too much.. in any case, i went, we went and took some shit
to my father, and to his bank and caroline called=) and we
got some panera and went over to her house and ate lunch
and then we started playing her tetris game and yeah got
caught up there forever but then gus called cus he was all
out of school and him and john were at the marketplace
kinda strandedish and matt wanted to chill with them and i
didnt john is nice but really fuckin weird he weirds me out
and shit... so then caroline said she would come with us
and so she came and so that was cooler and we went and
visited brie and she trimmed up my hair and then we went
back to my house and chilled and i cut her hair=) hehe it
looks so cute all short and pink and shit.. yeah so then
john needed to go somewhere so i guess i was like voted in
as the driver since i was the only one with a car handy and
shit even though i hardly know the kid and he told me he
lost the APC poster i gave him at the concert so fuck
that!! hes kinda a prick ish... i dont know well hes
friends with navin so yeah what do i expect.. fucker.. in
any case THEN gus was like "lets jam" so i took him and
matt to gus's and caroline was like i think i'll go home
soooo that left us and we went and got ice cream and went
back there and played tetris for like ever and stuf and
then i stopped at waffle house to meet ashley for a bit and
have some coffee and talk and stuf and then i came home and
went to sleep and it was a pretty good day=) hehe

soo... today... i woke up late ass late, and kinda laid
around with good intentions of cleaning up my dirty ass
room and shit but instead CLAUDIA wants to do something..
hmmmm now. i dont know. whatever. here i go letting
people up in my life that make me feel like shit, but in
any case, we went out to johanns where i bought some cool
fabric and ribbons and shit to put on those old jeans of
corrines sometime when im real bored.. and then we stopped
at this cool little "new age" shop where i got this little
fairy incense burner and some rainbow candles and stuf
then we went and ate at friendlys and then matt called

fucker just called me you know i really dont know why i
even bother anything cus he is so straight up mean to me
fuck this i dont need this in my life.. for real.. he has
no reason not to trust me i understand that when we were
BROKEN UP and AFTER he told me "youre a stupid slut wasting
your pathetic life away until you kill yourself cus i've
broken you down and made you so weak and im proud" and that
he never loved me never cared about me, AFTER ALL THAT,
and i was just trying to forget about him, but that is
not even a reason not to trust man fuck that and whatever i
so just want to be happy i dont understand he deflates me
now im just like feeling like shit because he wanted to
call and bitch me out i am so tired of this shit...

anyway.. so yeah i went there. and then he left with his
mom 2 minutes after i got there. and caroline and i played
tetris. and went to blockbuster and got a racing game that
i sucked at... and her friend came over... and i had a lot
more to write but now im just like... whatever fuck him..
and my fucking fathers here too which i was totally doing
an admirable job of AVOIDING and NOT thinking about and now
im just pissed and i feel like im just not good enough to
be happy I HATE GUYS SO MUCH. why cant someone just love
me why cant i just find someone to be my strength and make
me happy or even LET me be happy i hate him i hate my
father i hate this fucking place

"dying since the day they were born.. and i thought id live
forever, but now im not too sure..."