2002-06-27 00:15:58 (UTC)

Well, I was too tired/.....

Well, I was too tired/... disturbed to type this rant up
last night when I thought it up. Majority of the emotion I
originally had was lost as well, but I still need to get
this off my chest. Anyway, on with the rant.

Everyone has their own 'inner demons' so to speak- things
they hide or try to keep inside away from anything and
everyone; what bothers me is WHY people do this. Stewing in
your own feelings of guilt or loss is NOT a fun thing to do-
so why do many people continue to swim in these depressing
thoughts/memories on a regular basis?
Now, I'm definately not one to critize these types of
people (nor am I), but what does it accomplish to keep
things inside like that and skulk around for an hour, day,
month, whatever?

One solution I came up with in my groggy state was it was a
method of self-defense in humans. Looking back, that
doesn't make much sense seeing as these 'inner demons' can
cause breakups, family issues, or even suicide/homicide.
Some self-defense.

Another reason could be to keep from hurting others. This
makes more sense as it's what I've done recently. Now this
I'm going to have to explain.
Not everything I felt was told, because the other party had
their own issues to deal with. Besides, I could understand
where they were coming from with their issues. Of course,
it was their issues that spawned mine. It's a fucked up
roller-coaster that's for sure. I know I'm number one to
them now, but I always feel like second best when they're
in their slump. What makes it worse is I just want them to
be happy and to do that I may have to become second best.
It's a sucky feeling that no one should have to deal with.
Getting back to the original thought of this chunk- the
reason I don't bring these feelings to light is that I'm
too nice to force this shit on them. That's just another
load for them to carry/make them feel worse.

Damnit, now I'm all depressed again. I hate being human.
No, scratch that- I hate still being emotionally sensitive.
If I had no emotions whatsoever, none of this would ever
have happened. ...
I'd be Edward. Damn that'd be fun... if only, if only.
^ (Anita Blake refrence)

Now in my defense, I'm not as bad with this type of shit
anymore. For instance- I get rid of depressing thoughts
quickly if it's not a new situation. Tonight I'm going to
be with friends to counter-act all this shit.
Furthermore, (so I don't depress myself to the point where
I have to bring it up around them) I'm signing off now. My
room needs to be cleaned anyway.