the roads not taken
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2002-06-26 22:15:52 (UTC)

death .....crazy isn't it.

i have found that i think about death alot...almost as much
as i think and come up with al these elabrotate fictional
situactions..that could never really happen and most of
them involve death (my own..other peoples,) violence
(against me) or some other sort of bad thing. but sometimes
i do think of good happy things but not with the same
detail..... but that is just typical day dreaming. i'm not
saying that i want to die or that i want others to die and
i don't want violence in real life to happen to me. we;;
maybe to get attention and symapathy...that is sick and i
know it...its one of the things i never want anyone to know
and that i hate about myself. i've just had alot of time at
work when i'm alone in rooms to let my mind wonder cause
there never is any music and all of what i do is so boring.
heres just one recent example.... there is this one person
wh' i've been good friend with for a while but he can be a
jackass but when it comes down to it..hes a pretty cool guy
and blah blah still a jerk some and we jsut very recently
made up and i know he drinks alot and just this week i
imagined that me and this one friend walked over to his
(actually that part is very realistic)and he was drunk and
we got into the fight again of what cause the orignal
disagreement and he hit me and i fell back and broke my arm
and i didn't tell anyone the truth to save our selves and
so on but when i told my other 2 best guy friends 9the 2 i
caer about the most) they didn't believe my story and knew
someone had done it to me and once i was out with this guy
(i imigined it with both guy friends) and they just knew
when we saw the guy who broke my arm and the other guy
friend beat the crap out of the "bad" guy and i felt really
bad about it cause i caused it to happen. and i also think
what it would be like to go into a coma from some horrible
accident and who woudl come see me and or who would coem to
my funeral or what it would be like if ne of my best
friends died and how depressed i'd get. blah i'm pretty
fucked up i guess. i've even thought of getting raped a few
times. and because of this entry i'm probablly never going
to let anyone read this. damn and that was my main purpose
to make one..for my friends to read it and maybe understand
me better and release everything with out having to say it.
other topic of death..i'vehad it close to me a few times in
my life and today on the way home from work i headr this
song tears in heaven.....its one of my favorites and i
thought if someone i loved died, i'd put it on my profile
and then i started thinking about who and all that bullshit
and i got so scared that is ws a pschic feeling and i
almost startd to cry and to be honest i am still alittle
unnerved. well its time to go to youth group tonight... how

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