2002-06-26 20:01:50 (UTC)

morning bell

just realized another theme in my life... every aspect of
my life is always part-way. there was never any 100% or
0%, no absolutes, no grip on anything. anything in my life
could mean thousands of different things, there's no
security on anything. all of my strengths are infused with
my weaknesses, and everything is just so unsatisfying.
man, i just can't deal with anything anymore. everything
is contradicting my views and im getting so many more
personalities, and even those are blurring together, i
can't even get an absolute disorder on me, its always in
between, like schizophrenia, depression, mpd, ocd, its just
a huge mesh. im torn between every decision, probobly
since the standstill theory has been repressed, so its been
implanted into my subconscious now, underminding everything
i do. what else can i do, besides repress. thats my last
resort. i get no results from anything else. i can't even
write anything without feeling torn. i see negative
results from everything ive done, and negative results from
evything im doing or will do. then if i change my mind
about doing something, i see it was a mistake to change. i
just can't see the positive in anything, and even if i can
i focus on the negative results of those positive results.
its still a 5050 chance if i die of suicide, i think. ive
been going on a pretty mellow run for about a month
(suicide-wise), probably why i haven't been writing. but i
know that the longer the pleasantness, the worse its going
to feel afterwards. its like some strict catholic
subconscious going around. i dunno, i just had to write
something after all those my-diary email notices piled up.
well, thats that.