Lizzerbeans

second nature

Dear Diary,

I'm in a very tough situation right now. Like, I'm in a
spot that I'm not really sure where I am or if it feels
okay to be here. God has tested me in a big way by dad
leaving. Not only has it been tough on me and my family not
having him where we're used to having him, and thats a big
change.. but also taking away a huge source of protection
that i'm used to leaning on. I feel like I can get away
with more things, like the rules have changed? So many
exceptions are made and its not stable and so its scary ya
know. Like, I break the rules and it doesnt feel wrong. I
know its wrong and I know its bad and I shouldnt do it..and
regret it only because I didn't get caught this time. ANd i
feel bad for not feeling bad. its like a void.

I've been really confused lately. About why I do things I
do, and why i feel these ways. I've been questioning a lot
of things that I used to believe so strongly in. Pushing my
own limits to see where I break.. and finding that where I
thought for sure I would break, I can reach a step
further. All this time I had these expectations that I now
realize are the peak of my naive-ette` and I'm not sure how
to feel about that. I don't know HOW to grow up, but I know
its inevitable, and I want to do things right. "We must do
good things so our memories will be good." I feel like I
live two separate lives- separated by half an hour on I-265-
and that I'm partial to the wrong one. On one end there is
one person whom with I feel like I can be open and honest
and he's not gonna judge me, but more because he doesnt
really care than because I'm accepted. And on the other
end,its two people constantly pushing me to my emotional
limits in a negative way. I feel like I can't be open and
honest with the two that I SHOULD feel closest to. Three's
a crowd and I feel pushed out because I'm not there all the
time. I know I'm being talked about, and judged not because
they don't love me, but because its common ground? I could
be wrong. They just always make me feel accepted on
condition only- and that I'm the immoral one.