LooLoo

may 9th was last entry, now june 25th

So, its been a really long time. I am going to summarize
everything that's been going on as well as I can.

I've been smoking and thought I could just do that a few
times & put it back down. Didn't work that way. Started
smoking regularly again. This diary really helped me last
time I quit, so I am back and trying it again. I don't want
to get back into that.

I should be saying "The poor people in my office. Having to
deal w/me when I am liek this." But in reality, I really
want to say :"Shut up you stupid stupid people!!" Really
only to a few of them who continually get on my nerves.

Why can I say that I am going on a diet, or start really
sticking to my diet & these people immediately start
talking about lunch and what would be good? Or describe
things that are obviously not on the diet and how good they
are?

Why when I say that I am putting cigarettes down do they
give me smartass answers to simple questions? I warned you
that I was quitting, you know how I am going to be. Why
would anyone want me to be a total bitch? Why do you not
get that its not funny. Why when soemone decides to at
least try to do something for themselves do you say/do
things that go against what they are trying? Are people
that bitter?

On thatnote, its not just the co-workers. I didn't smoke
all day yesterday and then S called and said: "I cheated,
so you can too." And I did. I am not going to today, and I
recognize that I made the decision to, but why because she
failed in her promise to herself did she want me to do the
same? Really, is that a very friendly thing to do? I
wouldn't call her and say, "I just ate a piece of chocolate
cake, so you can too." Because that would be detrimental
and I don't want to be a detriment to my friend.

Anyway, after that really long sidebar. back to the
breakdown of what's been up. Took a week of vacation in May
to keep my nieces, so I now have 4 days vacation left and a
lot of things I want to do. "The guy" that I have such a
crush on up north has invited me up to stay with him. And I
want to go. That would be in August. I think my sis & the
girls are coming here in July, and I am supposed to go to
NYC in October. I may cancel RI in august and invite the
boy to NYC when I am there. Don't know yet. Also, on that
same level, I am really freaked out because I really liek
this guy and so my mind of course starts telling me I am
not good enough, I am too fat, I am not this or that...
En0ough that it really gets me down. And enough that I make
these stupid promises to myself. The kinda where I say "I
am going to lose all this weight and be perfect by then...
which of course I can't live up to, so I have that bringing
me back down.. But I am doing it anyway at teh same time :)

And I am frustrated with myself because I keep intending to
do more and then I don't. I was going to run this morning.
I didn't. Hell, I didn't even get up on time.I am going
home this afternoon though and I am going to walk, or do my
weight program or I am going to do something. Some kind of
exercise...

The roommate: Things just get worse. She and her BF broke
up, so the up all night stuff has started again. Plus she
quit bartending job #1, went to job2 waiting tables, quit
there and has ever gotten and quit job 3. She is back in
school which is great for her, but her financial aid hasn't
come through. So, I paid all the bills. ALL the bills. She
owed me $220, finally got me $70 (later than she promised)
and still owes me $150. And I could use it. I understand
that school is not easy. But you have responsibilities. And
I need to get PAID.

Parents: This is actually ok. They seem to be a little
entitiy of their own. They are taking care of and amusing
themselves.

OK, I am all vented out for now... catch you next time...