? :: connie ::?

:: inside my mind ::
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2001-06-23 15:48:58 (UTC)

God, Give Me Patience ...

Seems like today is my emotional day.

Since early morning I called my so-called best friend since
we haven't talked for days & I really miss her. But I found
her worse than a couple of weeks ago. Seems like her mind
was not 'syncronized' with the conversation. I was so fed
up & I cried after we hung up the phone.

I really need her to be the same person I've known for 13
years so far! When I said hello to her, she only said, "I
feel sad" and I asked her back,"Why?" and she said
something different. Gosh. She used to be a person I can
talk to, I can ask for a suggestion to, but she's not
anymore & I feel that I lose something I love so dearly.
Where are "you"???

Then in the evening I got a long-distant call which made me
happy, very happy, initially. I
wish he knows how much I want him to be here now. I feel
strange, but I already fall for this guy I've never met
before in my life. Every single call he did means a lot to

He's supposed to come here by next month which I'm really
looking forward for it and I really can't wait to talk to
him in persons. Well, things can be different when we talk
on the phone and in the real life, but I dare to take that
chance as I know he's a great guy & I really want to know
him more & more.

Almost at the end of the conversation, he mentioned about
his back-up plan which is asking me to meet him there
because he hasn't heard from the mother of his kids as he
needs her to take care of them when he's away. There's no
chance for me to visit him there: I got no visa & I don't
think my parents will allow me to fly to a foreign country
to meet someone they haven't met in their life before. He
said that he would be leaving & staying at the beach for 1
night with the kids about 2,5 hours after we talked on the

Once I was alone again after hanging up the phone, I was so
scared. Well, it's not because I don't trust him, but after
being left too many times for reasonable reasons by some
guys, I lose my self-confidence and that make me a really
pessimistic person. The person I was once engaged to,
always said that he was the man of this own words and I
trusted him whole-heartedly, but time proves that he's
not. He didn't only make me dissapointed, but also my
parents as he has told the same thing to my Dad not to
worry because he was fully committed to me. I'm too worry
about anything and I hope one day, some how, I can meet
someone who I can rely on his every single word. Once
again, it's not because I don't trust you, if you read this
diary, but I need you to show me that you are the person I
am waiting for for years.

There's another conflict in my mind now raving. I feel like
I'm a bad person to insisting him to come here next month
when he's still not sure who will take care of his kids
when he's away. I'm too much. I should know that they need
him more than I do, and they are deserved to be wz him,
more than I am, too. But I can't help to stop my heart from
aching as I already fall for this guy and I really want him
to come. I feel that I'm a very selfish person.

I checked my email before writing this diary & expect to
get an email from him. I sent him more than 5 emails, I
think, so far after that phone call. But I guess he's
already away now and if he's not upset with what I said in
the email, maybe I could only hear from him again tmrw. I
should wait. God, give me patience ...