>'.'

A clothe covered notebook.
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2001-01-04 21:44:21 (UTC)

I don t know what s gotten into..

I don't know what's gotten into me the past sixth months. I can't escape this rain cloud that continually rains on my
life. Along with depression, I feel so alone- so abandoned. The sensation of being alone was intensified with
Jezzel's death- And I find my self hugging pillows to attain comfort- an act in vain.
I releize I have grown bitter to many things. God- for example. I say I do not beleive in God- and this is partly true-
but these words, so harsh to some- I say only so I don't have to reveil my true feelings. The betrayel locked up my
heart- the bitter feelings toward some great figure of every one's imagination.
Honestly, I feel quite lost right now. I have no intention, nor interest, of finding religion, I have more of a yearning to
find some solid plot of land to stand up upon and not worry about falling.
My 'roots' have been disturbed so many times, I grow weary of growing dependent. No matter how reliable
something looks- it will fade and crumple- and again, I will be left, broken and without a 'crutch' to lean upon.
I releize my life is broken up into a series of time periods, marked by favorite songs and experiances.
'Year of the Paddle boat"- 1997 I beleive- was when Whit and I where closest. It was also when I was happiest.
The following three years were full of downs and ups.. False hopes and fraud miracles.
So here I sit- Alone and empty in front of my computer- knowing I will regret wasting my time later- and still here.
But what am I to do?
What can I do?
And why do my questions seem more important then the answers?


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