late Friday Night/early Saturday morning - June 22/23, 2001
I had the day off of work today. Thought it would be a
good day then...it obviously didn't turn out as planned.
I've been rather depressed feeling all day. I don't know
what's wrong. I've been feeling pretty alone
lately...since my nan passed away especially. I suppose
that would be what triggered it all. I understand it all I
mean, I didn't expect her to be around forever...but it
just seems to have struck a nerve. Of course I'm depressed
that she's gone but well...life goes on. It's not so much
that she's gone but, that has been the beginning of a
downward spiral. I just feel pretty lonely I guess. I
really don't have much self esteem. I look at it this
way...why should I? Ashley is/was my best friend and I
never talk to her anymore. It seems like the only time she
talks to me is when Mike and her have problems. Don't get
me wrong...I love her to death and I'm glad to help but it
seems like that is it. I feel like that is all I am to
many people. I am someone that they can lay their problems
on and i'll make them feel better but they dont' have to
worry about me. They don't have to but it would be nice
for them to care. I just feel like people don't anymore.
What makes me happy anymore??? Going to work. Well, I
wouldn't even say that THAT makes me HAPPY. But it atleast
keeps me occupied. I just basically feel alone in the
world... Where are my friends? As far as family goes...I
don't even know. It's not like I have a bad family
situation so why should they bother me...I should feel like
they are there for me right? But I don't. Why? It makes
no sense. I feel like I should be happy. What do I have
to worry about right now? I work...that is it. Mom and
dad pay for the car...and insurance even. All I pay for on
that thing is the gas. I have it very easy in life
compared to many people. I'm very blessed. Do I want
more? No, I don't ask for things. It's not a good sign
when my closest companion is my computer though. What can
I do? I want the comfort of a friend, boyfriend, etc.
Anything would help. I want to be held is what I really
want. I don't have that. I don't have a shoulder to cry
on...I don't have that ear to listen...and that hand when i
need it to pull me up. Am I overreacting? Do I ask for
too much? I ask for a companion and friend and never
thought it was too much to ask but maybe i am wrong. I
hate this feeling I have. I am there for people but feel
they don't want to be there for me. Not all, but MOST! I
feel that my problems, even the smallest, will just bug
them. I'm afraid that if i tell someone, they will just
think I'm complaining to get attention. Yes I want
attention but not from complaining.
I would like to go to my nan's grave again sometime soon.
I haven't been in a while. I always go by myself. I said
last time that I wouldn't anymore because I found it hard
to drive back home...not being able to see and all. The
problem is...there is no one to take with me.
I just feel like crying and crying...i want to cry myself
asleep almost...i want someone to cry to. I've said it
over and over...why can't i get off of it?! Why does it
feel that no matter what I do I just can't be happy today?
I don't know what is wrong with me.
That is all for now.