The Shoe Store and other errands with my mother
now usually i like to do errands with my dad cos they're a
blast. basically it goes like this. we get in the car, my
dad brings us one step closer to the apocalypse as he
traverses the streets, we get to the store, behead
somebody, get our stuff, and tear ass back home.
with my mom it's entirely different. we're sharing a car
now and i had to go to the library. my mom said that
she'd come with because i needed shoes.
till we get into the car.
i'm half way to the store when my mom says, "oh stop by
the post office quickly i just need to drop something off"
(now i'm not sure if you're aware of how this works) but
it starts off small and just builds, like a snowball
rolling down a hill. after what seemed like 15 hours at
the post office with me waiting in the car with the sweat
dripping down my boxers running down my ass crack because
i dont' want to waste gas on the a/c. she gets there and
drop off ONE letter. sweet.
then we're on our way and my mom has to drop off some shit
at the dry cleaners. i didn't even notice her put the
fuckign suit in the car! so there we go, and by now i've
learned my lesson to get the fuck out of the car. by now
it's 100 outside. so we go in and my mom argues with the
dry cleaner. it's some korean guy who sounds like a
chippendale. why is it that we always fight with our dry
cleaners? i swear. they always seem to fuck something
up, even if you haven't given them anything.
so then we finally get to the shoe store. i pick out a
pair of shoes and think that i'm safe and out when my mom
starts trying shit on. she does it all inconspicuously
too. she'll saunter over to the women's department and
the next thing i know she's got 11 boxes open and two
different shoes on each foot, maxing out credit cards left
and right. we get to the cashier (one is open out of 10)
and there i see the saddest sight of the day. it's a
woman about middle 30's with a tube top and short white
pants. she's pudgy and her belly is bigger than her
tits. by the looks of her you could tell it used to be
the other way around. she looks like a dying star, a
sorority girl realizing the horrors of reality. her mouth
(probably the shortly leased abodes of many a penis) flaps
constantly as she's jawing out the cashier. the cashier
looks very uninterested. the sorority death star's flab
is flapping around like a wet flag in a storm. and she's
starting to shine.
apparently the heel of her shoe broke. i bet you she's
here making such a big fucking deal about it because it
gives her meaning. we need something discomforting to us
that we need to change. for how else do we feel that we
are needed? if SHE weren't there complaining the fucking
shoe warehouse would GET AWAY WITH this sale. good thing
she's there. her flab and all. boy she's pissed. i
wonder how one can become so hard on the inside yet so
flabby on the outside. jesus christ. she wont' shut up.
finally another cashier opens. i feel sorry for the death
star. instead of slowly dying out they should just get
the quick and painless star wars ending.
"oh can we get some dog food from the dog store and i need
to get some lipstick". was the next thing out of my mom's
god damn it.
"and the food lion"
i wait for another outburst of obviously obstructed
errands, but that seems to be it.
i move the car through the parking lots slowly.
a fat person goes in front of me.
across a crosswalk.
could she waddle any slower? - me.
they sure have it tough in this heat. - my mom.
ha. - my mom
haha. - me