Abstract Soul
2002-06-25 03:03:14 (UTC)

Spiritually Immature

I discovered that I don't know who the person in the
mirror is. In meditation today, for some unknown purpose to
me, I couldn't visualize my reflection in a mirror. I was
trying to see myself in a mirror and was going to ask a
question. I wanted to ask, "Who is she?"....but there was
no one there to ask the question to. My mind would not
cooperate. I didn't understand this. Why couldn't I see my
image in this reflective state? Am I trying to avoid
seeing "me"? Do I have some form of hostility against
myself? Am I rejecting? Oh god, I fear that I am. I have
been, for years, searching for my true identity and trying
to reclaim the soul that fled my body...I have recovered
and discovered only a few portions and what I am told the
next step is...acceptance. But am I rejecting? Can a person
reject their own spirit?

You know, I do believe that I am spiritually immature.
Yes, that is the correct term. I am spiritually immature in
result of my lack of knowledge in how much it is that I
know about my own soul. Either that, or my soul is being
secretive and unrevealing. How can something dwell within someone and
detest them? I am still in a reactive and rebellious mode when it
comes to my internal life. But I don't understand why. Do I not wish
to know who I am? Oh, I do believe that it is all I yearn for. I
need to know the soul of the body that I am inhabiting and
will live in for the rest of my days...but god...

I suppose I know the true answer, but admitting it would
only unearth the sad fact that I am a horrible
and unworthy being. The answer to my question...

I have failed to love myself well.

I cannot help but continuously allow this line of realization to
repeat itself in my mind. So there...everyone knows the sad fact of
why it is I am unlovely. Over and over it screams and shouts its
meaning to me and over and over I still cannot grasp its meaning.

I know that I probably was rejecting myself and yet I
blindly asked why. Now that I have consciously vocalized my
truth...I have yet one more question to ask.

Is negligence of the soul worth its abandonment?
Please don't leave me now.