Just a guy

Logic of the Insane
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2002-06-24 20:54:16 (UTC)

Well, it's been a while

Hello readers. It has been a while, hasn't it?
Well. . .I will try to sum up everything since my last
update, but I may not finish. I am at school, and I have
about 10 minutes, but I will hurry.

Things have taken a turn for the worst, I have realized
that when I told Shelly how I feel about her, I was built
up to the point where I thought that I was a good enough
person to be loved. . .then, when she said that she liked
me too, I thought I was a great person, how could Shelly
like anything less than a great person?
But I felt too good about myself, I thought I was a good
person. Then it all came down on me. I am not good enough
to be loved, I have never been, and will probably never be.
I am tired of living my life, trying to be an okay person.
I am horrible, I can't do it anymore. I am sick of holding
to my morals, I am sick of not being able to love every
girl that I see. Why can't I move on? All of my friends
just say that it is time for me to move on. But I can't. I
want to, but I can't. Gloria, Bethany, Jerry and
Jessica. . .if you are reading this, stop now. Please. I am
trusting you as my friends to respect my request.

I have been feeling really weird lately. I don't know
what is wrong with me. I think maybe that I am looking for
some kind of support and comfort after all of this has
happened. I love Shelly, that is a given. But now, I have
been getting really jealous of Jerry. I saw them at a party
this past weekend, they were cuddling and just living in
their own little world. . .I got really sad. I wished that
Shelly was there, but then I realized that we wouldn't be
doing that anyway. I hate myself for saying this, but I
originally thought that I was just lonely and missed
Shelly, but then I realized that I was not only feeling
that way, but also I was jealous of Jerry. But I can't feel
that way about Gloria. I can't.
She is my eye-twin. I love her more than any other
friend. I love Shelly more than a friend, not Gloria. I
can't. I am Jerry's friend. . .I can't like his girlfriend.
I don't. But I don't know. The thing is, I still love
Shelly. I can't like twogirls at the same time, and Gloria
wouldn't just be a crush is the thing. Like last time, "x"
was a crush, nothing more. But Gloria, I don't want to hurt
her, or Jerry. I don't want to do anything about this, like
I said, it is probably just me looking for some kind of
I really do miss Shelly, the last time I saw her was on
her birthday. She went up North for the summer. She wont be
back until Mid-August. :-( I miss her so much. I sent a
letter, and I have called twice (She wasn't there the
second time). I want to go up there, but I wont have time.
I am in Summer school, trying to make up my credits so I
can graduate next year.

I left. On the week before graduation. June 6. I began a
trip up North. I went by myself. No car. I got as far as
San Fransisco on Sat, then I started back. I stayed with
family in Concord on Friday and Sunday, and with this guy I
met named Jason on Thursday, but on Saturday. . .I had no
where to go in San Fransisco. It was so cold.
I had the same dream everynight I was gone. Every friend
that I hold dear to me was in our Auditorium. We were
having a sleep over. Everyone was there, even people who
have graduated. But we were all laying there and Shelly and
I were together. . .nothing explicit, we were just there
together. Everynight I had that same dream, except on
Saturday. It started the same, but when I wrapped my arm
around Shelly, she was cold. I turned her on her back, and
she was blue and not breathing. I tried to warm her
up. . .but her skin was so cold. I started screaming for
help, but everyone else was frozen. I woke up and was
hysterical. It took me over an hour to calm myslef down and
realize that it was just a dream.

That dream has been bugging me. I think that it means
that I am freezing everyone I care about. I am killing them
just by being here. However, they don't know it. They think
that I am a great guy, and a good friend, but in reality, I
am a horrible person. I will finish this later, they just
got back. Till then. .

- JT

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