Define normal. What is normal.. I know I
Moving on to pastures new.. or something like that.
Thursday 2nd November 2000
Well its been almost a month and I've been trying to put Kev
behind me. I've made progress but I'm still not over him
100%. Its just so difficult. Being with him made me feel
worthwhile - having someone that you like SO much like you
back is such a great feeling - and all the things he said
meant SO much. Then for him to reject me so completely for
someone else - it still hurts. I keep asking myself what I
did. What is SO wrong with me? I sound like I'm still pining
after him but I'm not. Honestly! I've made a lot of
Its funny tho. I was re-reading Bridget Jones the other day
tho and I came across this bit which just explains the whole
thing really well.. I'll copy it out.. hang on!
"Its no good. When someone leaves you, apart from missing
them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've
created together collapses, and that every thing you see or
do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they
tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts which
adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love. How
can that not leave you with the personal confidence of a
passed over British Rail sandwich?"
Anyway, moving on, new starts and everything. Well I really
like both Dave's off my course and this bloke called Jon
Gardner (although he's totally off limits because he came up
and said hello to me yesterday and was gushing about this
really serious relationship he's in back home - never mind.
Still nice to admire - heck, a girl has to have some reason
to get out of bed at 9am!!!! :)
I'm a bit of a new person really, been going through a bit
of an identity crisis. I want to do something to my hair and
I had my belly pierced yesterday! My ED has kicked off again
and I'm determined to lose some weight. No more comfort
eating. I was really thin when I was with Kev and it gave me
so much more confidence. I know its all in my head but I
just feel so much more desirable and attractive when I'm
thin. Stupid I know and I guess its all related to Kev. In
fact I know it is. I want to show him what he's missing.
pathetic huh?? Then again, I'd die if he saw me now and saw
how much weight I've gained and said something like "God
she's let herself go." I'd really hate that. Anyway, I AM
getting over him, although I'll admit it doesn't sound like
it! Hey, I've stopped calling his voicemail just to hear the
sound of his voice!! At least thats a start isn't it!?!?! :)
Tonight we went to NYs. Dave Maiden off my course was there,
I worked with him and Glen today in the seminar and he
recognised me. I didn't really think I had a chance with him
- he's a bit out of my league really but El went up and
spoke to him (you've got to love best mates huh!!!) and he
said I was 'cute'! She spoke to him later as well and he
said I was 'very cute' but apparently was too shy to make
the first move and so I would have had to. I lost him then.
El went on a massive James hunt, but about an hour later he
grabbed my elbow as I was walking down the stairs to dance.
I asked him to come with us but he disappeared again. The
next time I saw him he was holding hands and pulling some
girl and they left together. I made a bit of a pratt of
myself really, stood there dancing with Claire and Kate etc
right in front of them and then waved goodbye. HOW
DESPERATE! Oh dear! Its just it was such a confidence boost
to be liked by someone that you like perhaps to the extent
that you feel intimidated by them. Its just now, feeling
rejected by Dave so soon after the whole Kev fiasco has
shaken me up a bit. It doesn't help that that girl was a
hellova lot thinner than I am, and her hair was longer as
well. I just liked the feeling of being desired, wanted. I
want to feel safe. Being single has its ups but its also
very lonely. You don't get the trust and respect and you
don't have someone who's 'yours' who you can give and
receive affection from openly. I just miss being hugged and
appreciated. When I was with Kev I felt so safe and content.
I really put that bloke on a fucking pedistal and took every
word he said and everything he did so seriously. I left
myself open to get hurt and then was suprised when it
happened. I need to get Kev out of my head once and for all. He really
isn't worth all of this.
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