xxxdreamyeyesxx

Kev. The shit hits the fan. I knew it was coming. I knew it.

Wrote Kev an email the other day generally saying, Hi and
being all cool and understanding and said no matter what I
want to be friends. Bit of a joke really! Wasn't really
expecting a reply but got a text message today which went:

"Hey, thanks for the email. I didn't know what to say 2U
thats Y I haven't text. I told Haze that we slept together
thats Y she left me, we R talking now and trying to sort it.
As U will guess she doesn't want me to talk 2U, but I wanted
U2 know I'm sorry and I hope U dont hate me again. Take care
and be lucky. KEV"

Take care and be lucky!!! What the fuck was that!! HOW
PATRONISING! Since when did I know that she left HIM?? I
thought he left her - for me. Big joke that was. So THATS
what the whole silence thing was about. Once again, I
completely miss what is staring me in the fucking face. Once
again I made a complete and utter fucking fool of myself.
Well anyway, I sent him a really short message back saying
thanks for letting me know where I stand and I guess I'll
see ya around sometime, and he replied:

"Please don't be too mad, I just didn't want 2 get U
involved, its not your problem to get upset or angry over.
Do you understand? Hows uni going?"

NOT MY PROBLEM? Excuse me but HOW EXACTLY??? So he keeps me
hanging on knowing EXACTLY how I feel about him for 5 weeks
without a word and then tells me that basically, its nothing
to do with me and I have no right to be angry or upset. He
even said " I want you to go on and be happy". I'm angry at
him but mostly at myself. HOW could I fall for someone like
this? How could I still be crying myself to sleep most
nights over someone who could be this patronising? Why
didn't I see this side of him earlier? I got really mad and
with El's encouragement replied that I'd already been on
the pull and pulled 4 blokes! to which he replied..

"charmin' just be happy."

I then asked if Karen [his sister] knew. He replied:

"No1 else knows, but I had to tell Haze. She has never done
anything wrong, so I owed it to her to tell her. I spoke to
her 4 the 1st time a couple of days ago and I want things to
work for us. I'm glad you found someone (or 4!) Please text
me L8R so I know your ok with this. KEV"

I'm sorry, but excuse me if I'm being selfish here - but
what about what he owes ME? what about all those
conversations - all the times I trusted him completely? What
about all those times I confided in him and told him about
stuff I wouldn't dream of telling anyone else. I even told
him about my fucking eating disorder for fucks sakes. What
about what I deserve????

xxxxxxxx

Its abuot 5 hours later now and I've drunk the best part of
a botle of vodka wiht shome bailys and I'm stilll cryin. I
feel sick. My isides hurt and i fele like someone has
punched me in the stomcah. why do i don this to my self? d
oi deserve tihs?? I probably do. This is my punishemt for
dumping roger. he loved me completely adn i broke his heart.
now someone has brotken mine. and its all my own fault. I
let hjim walk all over me. just like i let evryone walk allo
over me. then again, i probably desevr it. that hazel girl
was proabably a millions times thinner and pretter than i'll
veer be, so why in the hell woudl he want me? I was stupid to think i
even stood a chance.

xxxx