xxxdreamyeyesxx

The freshers ball.. and yet again I fuck up. Then again, whats new?

Saturday 7th October 2000

Its 2.30am and its been an eventful night! First of all I
dyed my hair brown (coz I bleached it blonde over the summer
and so now I have to re do it all the time coz it washes out
and fades etc and goes a delightful shade of orange) but it
somehow went wrong and I managed to tinge my roots orange -
so now I have delightful orange roots. Next I went to do my
washing and managed to put the money and powder into the
wrong machine and so washed *nothing*. Oops. Now James (one
of my flatmates) friend Dave has returned from a night out
without James and came crashing in and asking to sleep on my
floor. Blatently he is big and fat and he smells and so I
said no, but then he was sprung by the security guard asleep
in the corridor. But instead of booting him out, he just
shoved him into the kitchen. To top all that I overheard
Hannah and her boyf Mark shagging whilst I was trying to
make sure that Dave wasn't puking in the sink! NICE!

Tuesday was the freshers ball. I was determined not to get
depressed about the fact that Kev STILL hasn't text and so
got very drunk and went out on the pull! Big style! (The
drunken-ness wasn't helped by the fact that I haven't eaten
for two days solid now!) But anyway, Kev's song came on 4
times tonight :( I recon its stalking me. My solution? I
turned into a total slut. Seriously. Klaire from home would
have been proud. I pulled Jason from accross the corridor,
then incredibly ugly fat ginger Ben (about 10 seconds later,
right in front of Jason) then a scary bloke called Richard
who had an abnormally large forehead who wanted me to go
upstairs with him and so had to make excuses and leggit,
then another bloke, but by this point I was so incredibly
off my face all I was doing was concentrating on not being
sick! I don't really remember much after that except I found
Jason again and pulled him again! All I remember after that
is being incredibly sick when I got back! YaY!!! Drunken
puking is great! Gets rid of the calories! therefore NO
GUILT and a less substancial hangover!! :)

I don't know how I feel about it all now. I was feeling down
about Kev which explains WHY I did it. I think I wanted to
prove to myself that blokes CAN find me attractive and that
I can go out and pull if I want to. After all those years of
being alone and feeling like a failure when all the soppy
songs came on at school discos and birthdays and stuff.

But on the other hand now I feel quite ashamed because it
was cheap and nasty and I shouldn't need to act like that to
feel better about myself. I've always looked down on people
who pull to feel better about themselves - Look at what I've
said about Klaire in the past!!

I think I shocked my flatmates as well! I shouldn't have
acted like that with Jason - he's a really nice bloke and I
DO like him (not half as much as I like Kev tho, but its a
start) and I should have thought about his feelings before
doing that with Ben. But saying that it WAS an ego boost and
I guess its ok to act like that so long as I'm having fun
and I don't do it every time I go out! I suppose I AM a
student after all! :)

But saying that, going full circle, in some pathetic, sappy,
dejected, guilty way I'm actually quite upset that the last
person I pulled wasn't Kev. Pathetic I know, but its how I
feel. Thats why I'm not in any hurry to go out shagging
people. But then again, the fact that I have pulled other
people is my way of rebelling against Kev - thats definately
what I was thinking about while I was doing it anyway! sad
but true! Why does this have to happen to me? I just want to
be content and happy! I can't hang around waiting for Kev to
decide what he wants.. and thats if he wants ME. How do I
know he and Hazel haven't already gotten back together? Out
of sight out of mind .. thats what I'm scared of. I know
thats why I included him on the email with all the photos
from the summer scanned in - including the one with me and
Alex. I wanted to stir up jealousy. I knew he was jealous of
Alex at the time and I wanted to stir up some emotion. Make
sure he remembers me. I think thats why I'm so homesick and
want to go home as well. To MAKE him see me again. Why can't
I move on, and why do I let blokes treat me like shit all
the time? Why can't he tell me for sure if there's a chance
for us. He said he wanted time and we should cool it for a
while but he didn't say how long a while was. I just want to
get on with my life. Is that too much to ask?

On the home front our corridor is really tense at the
moment. Kate is competing with El for Jame's attention,
Claire and Kate have gotten really pally and Jon hates James
with a passon!! El and Hannah are also being really pally
which has made me feel really left out. But things are ok
with me and Jon. We're on the same course so it's nice to
have someone around at uni who I already kinda know. I'm
developing a bit of a soft spot for him actually dispite wha
I said before.. its just he's SO into his girlfriend Kate
that I just want to give him a big hug whenever her parcels
and stuff arrive for him - he just looks SO happy! I'm
really happy for him and I'm glad he's on my course. I might
try and go to the cinema or something with him soon, we get
on ok now, which is a first. I have nothing in common with
Hannah and Kate and Claire just annoy me because they're so organised
and boring. I never seem to totally click with anybody. I think I'm
just destined to be the outsider. Not that I mind. I like being on my
own. Its more simple that way. Anyway, I need sleep and I've nearly
written a bloody book!!

G'night
xxxxxxx