xxxdreamyeyesxx

Blasts from the past.. Confusion, mind fucks and Kev. One day I'll get it right.. we live in hope :)

Thursday 28th September 2000

Roger (my ex) and Jamie (his best friend who I had a bit of
a crush on a year ago) came down on tuesday and el and I
took them out to a club. Really good night until Jamie's a
mine usual pissing around dirty dancing kind of went a bit
further than it should have and I'm about 90% sure that he
tried to pull me. I was SOOOO shocked I didn't really take
it in at the time but I think I handled it ok - gave him a
little peck on the lips and then snuggled into his shoulder.
V. Subtle. I really can't believe that he'd try something
like that tho - I know he's always saying that he likes me,
but I always thought he was pissing about - I mean there's
me - all 130lbs of me, little miss plain jane, and then
theres his girlfriend Lucy who's gorgeous. Why would he want
me? And I can't think he'd try it on with Roge there, what
with all the history between us. Maybe I got confused. Jamie
wouldn't be that inconsiderate - would he?

Ended up with Tim and Nick the blokes from downstairs a lot.
Seem like nice blokes. El has a thing for Nick but I don't
think he likes her back. Maybe he has a girlfriend? I dont
know. Anyways, got pretty drunk and on the way back Jamie
was asking a lot of questions like how I felt bout him and
he was saying a lot of rude stuff, implying that he wanted
to sleep with me and stuff.. I really don't get him. I never
know if he's joking or not or if he's being serious. I hope
he wasn't being serious because if he was then I seriously
need to get my head out of the clouds and smell the roses
because some of the stuff he said tonight completely
contridicted what I'd always thought he was like and if he
was being serious then I think perhaps I've made some
serious errors in judgement when I went to him for advice
and confided in him because he isn't the person I thought he
was. Basically what he was saying was that he could see
himself growing old with Lucy and having kids with her, but
he was saying how him and me would be "hot". I mean what was
that supposed to mean?? That I'm only good enough to be the
fling now? THATS ALL I'M GOOD FOR? I tried to avoid the
questions by being drunk and giggling so perhaps it was a
joke. I felt a bit awkward being around Roge, specially as
he keeps telling me he loves me and saying how he can't get
over me and that its "too hard". I'm not that FUCKING
SPECIAL. I mean what is so great about me? I'm not great
looking, I'm not thin, I don't have a great personality and
I'm not little miss intelligence - so why am I so hard to
get over? I wish he'd just let it drop and move on.

Still haven't heard from Kev. I'm really confused and all
this Jamie shit isn't helping. Nor the Roge thing. He can't
put his life on hold for me, and it isn't fair that he keeps
putting me in uncomfortable situations. But the Jamie thing
- I was mad about him for ages and then I get over him, get
to know is girlfriend, start seeing him only as a friend,
confiding in him and asking advice on my love life and then
he throws this at me. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it.
As per usual.

I've not been sleeping well and I'm still binging like mad.
I'm gaining loads and I don't think the alcohol helps
either. I just lie there at night and all this swims round
and round in my head. And then I can't get up in the morning
and I miss lectures and shit. Totally not a good start.

I really really miss Kev. Its strange how after 2 months I
can feel this way when I didn't even feel a twinge after a
year and a half with Roge. I guess me and Kev had a spark.
It's just so great when you like someone SOOO much and they
actually like you back. I trusted him completely as well.
His hugs made me feel safe and warm and protected. Just what
I'm not feeling right now I guess! I keep bawling for stupid
reasons - like when they play his song in a club and stuff!
How pathetic! I just wish he'd text or ring. Thats all I
ask. I really want to see him again. I need a friendly face
who I trust who isn't full of bullshit. I need a hug. I need
to be told that everything is ok and feel that someone needs
me. I want to be relied upon, confided in. I'm so lonely and
don't feel particularly worthwhile at the moment. I mean its
so bad that a girl who was my best friend for the best part
of two years back home can't tell me that she's pregnant and
is petrified that I'll find out. Am I really that
untrustworthy? I need someone to talk to about this but
there is no one. I cant even phone my mum like everyone else
does because I don't trust her not to throw it all back in
my face the minute we have an arguement or something. I just feel
really alone and it scares me.

xxxx