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Dark Secrets
2002-06-24 10:17:59 (UTC)

Cultivating my mind and soul.....

Today i felt better....how should i explain? I
duno...sometimes it just comes to me that i have to feel
sad, or thoughts of my bf will be occuring in my mind that
he is no longer here with me physically anymore....
Sometimes im not in control, i duno how could that be, when
my book says...it's up to u to decide being happy or not,
and the thoughts u wanna think abt.

I am kept busy today, i tried cultivating my mind and soul
into what im doing to make myself feel that im ok....thats
what my friend , Ken said....he said because i didnt enjoy
what im doing, thats why i still feel terrible and keep
missing him ( fung )....

I am kept busy by this computer, once again it's Fung who
bought me this...i surf music sites, i downloaded songs, i
talk to pple online occassionally , that includes him, i
went suntanning downstairs, alone....

i tried to enjoy the things i do...i kept telling myself
that i must appreciate the time i have now before the
school starts, in order to do so, i must be happy to have
so much time now...even if it means boredom...i should do
what i like..that's what fung taught me abt appreciating
the free time given to me. I went sun-tanning, i tried to
like the sun, i feel the occassion breeze, i do my part
when i said i will try my best to be gd to him, to be happy
and to have my mind off sad thoughts. I'm pretty
determine..Also, i remember mentioning many times to myself
and him that i must work extremely hard when the school
starts. I wont let myself down anymore. I must prove to my
parents, eve , and Fung, that i'm of some substance, make
them feel proud of me...I hope i will come back to read
this part of what ive written to give myself the motivation.

Des just called me, she asked me out, told me that Dr.
Mohan, doesnt want me to paint for him etc. Thats not the
pt. the thing is she asked me not to go over to hk in Sep,
she thinks im wasting my money, it will be v hard on me to
work for the money, she said my parents wouldnt allow
anyway, and it's better to go over next year. I know what
she meant, she is being pratical, i noe it, but i just
thought i should do what i want...and not be controlled by
thoughts like that. Like Alicia Keys said, " Always believe
in yourself, no matter what". Im pretty angry with Des that
she constantly remind me of this, and she is talking just
like my mum...these are the things my mum will say when i
ask her abt going over to hk...Des piss me off by reminding
me of my fears. I duno if i can take it or be strong when
my mum rejects me. GOD BLESS ME! pls understand my needs....
I love him and need him so much, i can do almost anything
to get there to see him.