Define normal. What is normal.. I know I
A New start.. University and my totally meaningless little life. A new start.. I don't hold out much hope but you never know?? perhaps. I ~MIGHT~ be lucky this time.
This is my diary and I have promised to be COMPLETELY honest in it. No
holds barred. Which means admitting to the bad things I do. And I DO
DO some bad things. I'll admit now that I'm NOT a nice person. But I'm
only human. Anyway, this is my entry from back in September. Bare with
me, I'm just copying it up.
Monday 25th September 2000
Well here I am. Southampton Institute, Deanery Halls. First
year of university commencing. I moved in on Sat. and had my
first day at uni today. Really scarey! People I'm living
with seem ok. with the exception of Jon at the end of the
corridor, every time I see him I like him less and less. He
seems to believe that he knows everything and that he is so
much more superior than anyone else. Maybe its the drugs
thing that has pissed me off. Who knows? I'd just rather not
be TOLD that I'd be doing them regularly by the time the
year is out by someone who I've known for less than a week.
How dare he make assumptions like that about me?
Hannah seems nice but I dont know. I think I'm intimidated
by her. My ED seems to have come back pretty god damn
quickly - the first thing I saw when I saw her was her
weight - and she's not even fat - just a bit chubby. Maybe
its the fact that I just found out that she *thinks* she
weighs 10 stone which is only half a stone more than me in
my present state (been comfort eating like mad and am
gaining fast) and I think I'm quite discusted to think that
I could look like she does. I know thats a horrible thing to
say but this is my journal and I've said that I'm going to
be totally honest in it. And when I'm honest, I guess you'll
find out that I'm not a particularly nice person.
My other flatmates Claire and Kate seem nice enough. But
they're very girlie and giggly and SO sensible. Seriously. I
think I'm jealous. Kate has very long blonde hair and
although she's bigger than me weight wise she's very pretty
and I think its set off the whole insecurity thing.
Anyway, god knows how I'll get on making friends with them
all. El (my so called best friend who is living next door)
is so much more confident and out going than me. She's much
better at doing the whole making friends bit. I can really
see her getting pally with them all and me being completely
left out. Story of my life really.
I'm really confused about Kev (the bloke I started seeing 2
months ago) He's all fucked up coz his relationship with his
other hopefully soon to be ex girlfriend has gone downhill
and all they ever do is argue and stuff. And so, being a
typical male when one relationship is on the rocks he goes
and starts another relationship and gets me involved and
fucks with my feelings. Its my own fault. I knew what I was
getting into, but I just felt so right with him. I really
really r-e-a-l-l-y like him.. to the point that I cant stop
thinking of him. He said we would last while I was at uni
and that he'd come visit and stuff. But he hasn't called me
or anything. I know he's trying to be honest and get things
sorted and stuff but I just felt so much happier when we
were taking it one step at a time, and going through it all
together. Everything slotted into place after last wednesday
when we slept together, but now, not knowing I feel like I'm
back right where I started. But I'm not. Him and Hazel have
split up. So things can be different now. Can't they??
Anyway, its late and I have uni tomorrow.