Thoughts Right Now...
2002-06-24 03:12:41 (UTC)

Day One: Panic or Rage!

I am 24 years old and when I was 15 I was diagnosed with a
Social and Emotional disorder and with Panic Attacks. Well
I've been in a chronic depression for many years up to this
day, but for the past week or so I've been having major
panic attacks for no reason other than stress, but I've had
stress all the time for years without having one. So I
don't know what triggers it or why. I do know if I get
pissed off I get angry and full of rage and start having
one. I guess it's because of all the years that I've built
up all this stress and anger towards people and how people
are fake. I keep replaying in my head something that made
me pissed off a week ago or two years ago and it sits and
taughnts my mind so much til I go off and panic about it.
I just can't seem to find a way to cope with them. I'm
currently looking for a family doctor so I went to the ER
yesterday they gave me something simular to Valium for my
panic attacks, which I'm having 3-4 times a day now, that
were supposed to last me til I found a family doctor to
continue my therapy, but I ran out today cos the dr. didn't
prescribe enough, plus if I call monday and set up an appt.
to see a doctor it's gonna take at least acouple of weeks
til I actually talk to them, what am I supposed to do til
then, suffer? I called the ER back and they told me they
can't refill the script and that they can't keep treating
me just because I have no family doctor, but they know I
have to wait til monday and know it'll be awhile, but they
said if I came in they wouldn't prescribe me anything. So I
asked, "So if I'm having another panic attack I can't come
to the ER?" and they said, "Not to this one", What kind of
shit is that? I hate myself so much. I really do feel like
buying a gun and killing myself. I know I have a wife and
3 kids, but they're not doctors nor can they help it. It
really saddens me that I have to resort to death to get any
type of quick relief of suffocating to death so it feels.
Well I'll write later If I decide to come back here.