singmetosleep

the roads not taken
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2002-06-23 22:27:38 (UTC)

its been a year..so different...so the same

alright, i decided to be cool and copy my friends who have
a live diary...actually i had one of these aout a year ago
but it didn't do anything special. i could write and write
about all the things that have happened that are currently
having a impact on me but i don't have the time or the
energy to rehash some of it. basically its summer..and that
does alot of things to people, i think we aren't so worried
about our social groups or grades and don't have to be
around people we don't choose to, it actually gives us more
time to think and look around at our world and the advances
(or set backs) since the summer before and a chance to try
and change it. i started to figure that out last summer...
the most hectic and changing summer of my life so far but i
think only now i can apply that information for good. right
now i'm really thinking alot about last summer. i probably
think it is because i just talked to kyle for a while and
we talk of that past and i hung out with emily today and
she is kind of a summer reminder. it just doesn't seem like
a whole year, yet in other ways it seems so long ago cause
i feel and think so differntly and i think anyone who was
there could feel the same way. it appears that this summer
will be more calm, it is so far...blah 7 more weeks until
school. i have good friends who i hang out with, church is
feeling more like home, and this year i refuse to never
hangout with my neighborfriends like i did last summer i
really missed them..well mostly christy. i love that girl
to death. we hardly have much in common and that makes me
worry because it is more and more evident as we grow older.
but shes always there for me when things come undone, i'd
be there for her too but she never has any undoing. back to
what i was speaking off. this summer will be calm and i
don't know if i like that. i have a few guy prosepects...
i'm dating this guy chase but hes going off to college soon
and i really don't feel butterflys but he will be nice to
date. then there is this good friend of mine that i would
love to be with but i know now isn't the right time because
of many circumstances and maybe he thinks the same. thats
just one more thing that has changed about me, i don't wear
my emotions and thoughts on my sleeve nearly as much and
i've been more emotionally sound because of it. back to
guys, i was hanging out with my friend sean last night...we
dated for a while back in winter. and it was just really
nice and a little odd because we were kinda all over each
other, but for now i'm just going to think of it as fun
friendly yay its summer flirting. and i'm working alot and
its take alot of my time..its good cause i don't have as
much time to get into trouble..literally and emotionally
from boredom. but here and there i have a few days off and
they usually rock my world cause they are so speread apart.
my last one i went out to lunch with stephen and his room
mate and then we swimming with chirsty (who i hadn't seen
in forever) then went to youth. it was just a great day. i
haven't been aroudn drama people so i don't think it will
surround me. thanks god. well the last bit of semi drama
was resolved. craig and i are talking again and it worked
out ok. my big mission of the summer is to locate my older
half brother. i just have this drive to meet him and its
making me practially insane. some legal stuff came up
recently with my evil spearm donor (he doesn't deserver the
term father..since he left before i was bored and i never
met him and so on..whatta fag) but i found out something my
family had been lieing to me about they said they highly
doubted that mark (my brother) would know i exsisted..but
when i was 3 the state of ga got some child support for
both of us adn both our names were on the paper, and its
highly possible that they saw the same papers we did, so at
least his mother would know and hes 5 years older then me.
i just don't know and i hope not because that would be he
didn't care about finding me but what if hes out there
looking for me but he can't me. i just have to meet him
just to see what he is like..what we look like..if we lopk
simlar..but i might be afraid i'd be looking at my father
(never did see him) or he might think of me as a reminder
of him..cause as far as we know he doesn't have anything to
do with him. it would really hurt me so deeply if he did
have anything to do with his 1st child and not me. i know
his mom was married to him and my mom wasn't..it just would
hurt. but if he doesn't maybe me and mark could have this
undeniable bond because of the asshole wo is our father and
the pain he caused us. my nana doesn't want me to pursue
this... she claims that sharing blodd doesn't always mean
anything..then she claims is all about family and made me
go to a family reunion of people distantly related to me
and claims "they still are family" what bs...! anywho i
think i'm done writting.


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