2002-06-23 10:45:53 (UTC)

whatever problems i have, hers always seem worse...

i feel really bad... she wont stop crying, and all i can
say is stop.. i mean. im going to leave sometime. and hes
going to die soon. and i wont be able to leave her alone.
and she doesnt seem to understand, that this is not
abnormal, its not crazy, its not because of her, and
maybe it is what i need.. and shes blaming herself, for
the financial situation.. theres no need for all of that..
im not going far away, im going down the street - IF we
even are approved.. which im going to worry about until i
find out.. and i hate seeing her this upset because of me,
but im not doing anything crazy or wrong.. and i feel bad
because no, its not NESCESSARY in the most absolute sense..
but isnt it? no, they havent been fighting, and no they
havent been bothering me a lot, but its still there.. i
dont know. i mean. shes going to have to work like crazy
to afford somewhere for me to come along with them, and if
i have to move anyway, i may as well go somewhere where i
think i'll be happier.. and she wont. thats the shitty
part.. as much as im not there, and im not-i havent, turned
out the way im sure she wanted me to, she still wants me
there.. and its really getting to me, seeing her crying..
and she'll have to do it sometime, i know.. but it still
sucks... because i know somehow, how she feels.. because
not the situation is the same, but im so much like her
emotionally.. and i can see it would be hard to
understand.. im thinking. if we arent approved for this
place.. i will go with her.. its not what i want and its
not the best option it doesnt make sense but.. i dont
know. i dont think its what i should do, but knowing that
its ME this time, making her feel like this.. its hard to
deal with.. i mean. if were approved.. i have put my share
in, and so have sarah and marcie, i cant just say
nevermind.. so that will be best.. but if it doesnt
happen.. i dont know.. i just want it to be over with.. so
i dont have to think about it.. working this shift makes me
feel funny, like its hard to think straight, yet i have
nothing to do but think, and its weird... i really want to
go to bed when i get home, and i know if he calls i'll
go.. i have to be back at 2 for some training thing tisa
said i should come to.. anything that helps.. im trying to
be a good employee, coming in when they call for help and
stuf, coming to these training things, because i really
need another position... even a little more money.. i want
to stay with this company.. but i need more money.. and
working another job wont be possible when school starts..
agh. im going to read my book and stay away for another
hour here.. then i can at least get a couple hours of
sleep. when am i going to fucking pack.. well. thats all
for now..