Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2002-06-22 13:25:23 (UTC)

Love. Its kind of a funny thing.

I had a dream today, that I was in some sort of anime
cartoon. I was in an argument with my girlfriend.. and we
were very upset with each other. Well the argument was long
and had to have been about something. I think that we were
on the verge of breaking up when we had this argument. We
made some sort of reconcile at the very end, but it was the
usual kind of reconcile. The one where you just promise not
to get into another fight with each other again. I remember
dreaming that the next day, I was looking for her but
couldn't find her. I was driving around, with this backseat
of stuffed animals that I had given to her over the years.
I remember recalling that this car I was driving was
suppose to have her things in it. But it was nearly empty
as it only had the stuffed animals in it. As I was playing
with the toys trying figure out where she was and why she
was taking so long, I came to the realization that all
these stuffed animals were really all the stuffed animals
that I had ever given to her.

And with that realization was the conclusion that she was
in a way, giving me back all the presents I had ever given
her.

It broke my heart to see the toys all over the backseat.
Actually, they were all stuffed under the passenger seat in
the back part of the car. I remember pulling one after
another until I came to "Mr. Bunny" this toy that she had
given to me on Easter 2000. At the time we got him he was
the softest bunny and he was kind of our favourite mascot
of our relationship.. which I guess viewed from the outside
of the relationship, would be considered odd. But here he
was, just placed forgotten under the seat of the car, with
all the rest of the toys.

At first I didn't really understand what had happened. But
as the day kind of slipped away, and I hadn't been
contacted by my girlfriend, I realized then, she wasn't
coming. She had left me.

I did something I hadn't done in almost forever. I cried. I
yelled at the top of my lungs, it was almost as if I was
dying. I felt panic, emptiness, pain, confusion. It almost
seemed as if everything of the world no longer concerned me
but her. I think on further reflection it made me wonder if
I was truly sorry that I had lost her or if I was truly
afraid for what I had been left to. On the one hand,
wrought with the staggering emptiness that was crippling me
while I bore it, I felt the transcendental pain of loss
felt by an individual who it would seem their very thread
of existence was intertwined with the thread of another
individual. Only the other thread had disappeared and now I
felt my own thread wrapping around emptiness in a vain
attempt to wrap onto the knowledge that there was one who
loved me the same way I had loved her. And upon immediate
reflection of the situation, understood only too painfully
that this person that I had loved, did not love me so much
as to wrench her existence from mine, giving her the same
pain, only to leave my presence.

On the other hand, perhaps I truly did not want to be
alone. Maybe it was both. I cried.. and I cried.. and I
yelled at the top of my lungs, forgoing all judgment and
logic. My feelings overrunning me. At this point I could be
the best warrior that had existed. The warrior desperately
trying to fill its empty existence with bloodshed and the
honor of combat. Only secretly hoping to die.

I don't know how long I waited there. I seem to remember
putting the stuffed animals in a green plastic bag. Two
bags. And then as if I had loss my sanity.. I just began to
wait. and Wait for her... and wait..

I guess it was the only logical thing at the time. Either
to wait for her return to me to tell me that she loved me,
and that this had all been a big misunderstanding. That
there was some sort of possible explanation besides her
leaving because she no longer loved me. That she hadn't
just left the stuffed animals there because she just
somehow forgot about them.

Or I pass away into nothingness.

When I think about it, either answer would have made me
happy.

I remember kind of driving to my old home. I don't remember
why. As I got out of the car, these people were having a
sparring match. They wanted me to join in, and I recognized
one of the contestants as a childhood friend of mine that I
had gone to class with in elementary and high school. I
sparred with him a bit, I caught his leg and pulled it
upward, and I remember thinking that if I could push his
other leg back, he would fall. But then I was no where near
his other leg. All of the sudden he fell. As if he was
pushed by someone. Although there was no one else around.

I remember thinking that as I was getting into a fight, my
opponents would get pushed hard, right before I would hit
them. And then, I realized that there was someone else with
me. I focused on everything for a second, and I was able to
see lisa! She was invisible though. It seemed as though she
was wearing some sort of suit that made her invisible. She
noticed that I was able to see her so she told me that this
had all been some sort of test to see if I would really be
sad if she had left. She had packed all her clothes and
everything else except the stuffed animals to make me think
that she had left. She became invisible to watch what I
would do in her absence.. and she was trying to protect me
as I was sparring, by helping me knock down my opponents.
Apparently the argument that I would or wouldn't be sad if
she left me must have been something I brought up in the
fight yesterday. Knowing this, made me feel alot better, as
she never really meant to go anywhere. She had just wanted
to see if I loved her!

I guess that is a happy end to this.. ^^ In the end she
came back to me. ^^ And I was happy once more.




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