i_bleed_life

The mediocrity that is me
2002-06-21 08:08:39 (UTC)

Dear Nameless Recipient,

Well. What can I say. No --- what do I want to say. What do
I want to say to you? Free myself once and for all of the
bittersweet memories tasting slightly of regret --- but
most of all, tasting of alcohol. Vodka, rum, beer, wine
coolers...cheap, high school party liquor. Only the best
for those who break the laws, right? Oh well. Boredom and
discontent with stagnant lives can push us far.

I wish my music worked. The silence is suffocating.

Fuck, even my music is now tinged with memories...songs
creating atmosphere to experiences dulled by alcohol and
sadness. "Name" "White Men in Black Suits" "Penguins and
Polar Bears" and most of all, "Glycerine." How many others
shared the same songs? I wish....

The silence. I'm drowning in it.

Remember the first time we kissed? Was it you who kissed me
or the other way around? I'll never know, but there we
were. The goo goo dolls playing in the background, and me
dreaming of a cliche'd night to last forever. But dreams
never last more than one night, and mine did not deserve
the exception. It just turned into one of those repetitive
dreams --- you know, like the one where you're flying.
Wonderful, but at the same time, you know where it's going
to end up. Do I regret it? Now, that's the real question.
No. I don't regret it. I loved you then like I love you
now, and I wouldn't change anything for the world. Riding
in your car at 100 mph, making out in the front seat,
dancing in the rain, going to concerts, getting drunk
together, complaining about horrible parents, crying,
ditching class, listening to 'glycerine' on full blast,
hanging out at 2 in the morning, but most of all, knowing I
had a friend who really cared. And honestly? I don't regret
a single thing we did --- not the making out, and not the
sex. You have been one of my best friends. I wouldn't take
that back for anything.

Do you remember that one time you told me you couldn't
handle hooking up with me --- "your best friend" --- your
exact words?? I do...I don't think I've ever felt so loved
in my entire life. You made me think that being me could be
enough for someone. Of course, you also made me completely
hate myself sometimes, but whatever. A year and a half is
entirely too long to continue on with this.... wanting to
be the one who makes you happy, and knowing it can't and
won't ever be me.

I'm sorry being me wasn't enough. I wish...

Oh, hell. I know what I wish. I wish I had never tried to
kill myself that night. No, scratch that. I wish I had
succeeded. I wish I had never called you. Then, I could be
happily dead right now, instead of giving up on anything
remotely "you". You saved my life that night. No joke. You
drove up, and the only reason I didn't take another ten,
fifteen, twenty pills was because your car pulled up. So I
hope that makes you feel better. I didn't die, nothing was
your fault. Nothing. I'm sorry I'm so crazy. I fucking hate
myself sometimes....most of the time.

When she told me about her night with you, I saw it coming.
Hell, I knew what was going on before she said anything.
But it still hurts....sort of. Less than it would have a
year ago, but it hurts all the same. Mostly because this is
now goodbye forever. I can't be remotely myself around you
anymore --- not like it was, not now that you're dating my
best friend.

Anyway, I think you are fantastic even though you don't
believe me, and you'll probably never understand. But don't
ever think you are the only one. I would give my life to
just about any person I've met. I love people more than you
know. You're special...just not alone. Good luck in life,
love, and whatever happens, I hope you're happy.

But I'm over you. And this is goodbye to everything I ever
felt towards you. I'm giving up on it all...except for one.

I love you.