CaRaMeLlAnGeL12377

...this shyt is madd crazy...

June 21, 2000 9:06 p.m.

I haven't been out of the house for about 5 days... I
am going crazy, I think. My mood is not improving either.
I am torn between crying and laughing and being pissed off
at everyone in my life. I never thought that I would ever
end up like this. You know how that is. I am 21 years
old, feeling like I have no direction... not having a clue
where the hell I am going or how the hell I am getting
there.
I just got out of a relatiosnhip with Cat. We were
together for two and a half months. He hit me, yes. He
abused me, yes. He used me, yes. He hurt me, yes. I miss
him though. I do. It's such a strange feeling to have,
knowing that you are torn between understanding that this
man was not meant to be with me, and that I am better off
without him, and remembering him from when we first met.
Back then I actually thought that there might be a chance.
God, I was so optimistic about this whole thing then. He
swept me off my feet. I guess I saw what I wanted to
believe. And there were happy times. A lot of them. And
there were a whole lot of good memories too. And bad
ones. I just want to push those to the back of my head.
Just close my eyes and forget about this whole thing.
Of course it's not helping anything that I am still in
love with Sha. He doesn't love me back so I have to forget
about him. I have to get over him somehow. Someway.