Wall Conversations 6/20/02
Have you ever noticed how lonely the bathroom really is?
I have found that I am in the bathroom more often crying
than I am pissing. I swear on my life that everytime I walk
into a bathroom, I can feel that someone has cried in there
at least once. I mean, it is THE place to go and pour your
emotions out. I love that I can sit on the toilet and just
sob and sob and sob.
Yeah, well...I was and knowing that the shower curtain was
there to comfort me and the sink was there to wash away the
evidence and that the mirror was looking back at me still
reminding me of how pathetic I really and naturally am. Ah,
it's a beautiful thing.
It's funny, don't you think? Pretty much this is bullshit
that I have just wrote, but still, pretty funny.
I don't know why it is that this is something that anyone
really wants to read...but yeah.
I don't know...today, I felt broken. I felt as if there was
nothing and there was no one. Truthfully, there isn't.
I'm so fucking alone, it hurts.
I mean, is it suppose to hurt this much?
Not just that I am alone that hurts, because I have always
made sure that I was alone...my loneliness is my own
homemade sadness....but that I am broken...that is the
I am broken and no one wants me fixed.
God, I thought that I was so close to becoming whole
again...and I thought that things were going to be getting
better for me. But what the hell am I saying?
Nobody is fucking there when you need them to be.
But you know...it is my fault that they aren't.
It's all my fault.
You know, a friend of mine, once told me that I am so hard
to love and that hurt..it did...like a pinch.
I have realized though, that this person is so right. I
mean...how could anyone? Who would want to? How insane
would a person have to be?
Well, there isn't a real logical answer to that
question....simply that...people don't know what they want.
If I don't push people away...they leave me.
I am so fine with that because I get to stay safe, but why
I am not complaining here...I just am so desperately tired
and going out of my mind with questions that lead to the
question, WHY ME?
I really would like to know... I mean, I have the
disorders, I have the inability to be loved, to love...I am
never happy...I am always searching...good karma never
comes to me and yet I am compassionate towards others...my
soul left me...my OWN soul CHOSE to leave me!!
This is fucking hilarious...I mean...I come on here crying
and pouring my soul out...and for what? For someone to tell
me what I already know...
I had a conversation with the wall today.
As I rolled out of bed, snot on my hand...tears staining my
face, make-up everywhere, and with a naked truth sitting
before me... I told my wall..
I can't fall apart. I won't fall apart. I 'm not going to
fall apart. I won't. I 'm not. I can't. I will not allow
myself to fall apart.
Then...you wanna know what my wall told me? What my fucking
wall knew that I did not?
It said, "You won't fall apart. You won't."
For that fraction of a second, I had a drop of hope pour
into me....until...my wall continued that sentence.
"...you're already in peices."
It's funny, huh? Yeah.....real funny.