The Boy Looked At Johnny
2002-06-20 20:18:17 (UTC)

You just wait till your father gets home

So I talked to Jessy last night for about half-an-hour. While
it was a nice conversation, it was hardly the make-it-or-
break-it head-over-heels swoon-inducing affair that my gut
feelings were demanding it be. My expectations were very
high, but that's my own fault, proclaims Gut Feelings! So
it recoiled in protest all night, tossing and turning and
finally officially sending my brain an advisory that since
Gut Feelings didn't detect any signals that she was really
into me, I should immediately cease and desist any amorous advances
and take the relationship on a friendly basis OR ELSE. In
fact, my whole subconscious was a swirling mess of bad
vibes and unfounded, irrational fears all through the night. I didn't
sleep well at all.

Sigh. I may see Jessy on Sunday at the show; she isn't sure
if she can make it or not. Like I said: friendly
conversation, not THAT kind of "friendly." Gut Feelings are right,
probably. I need to take it easy, and drop any expectations. Stop
pushing. If it happens, it happens. If not, that's fine to. Right?
Try to be Zen-like.

I could have the greatest life. And yet, my emotions just
don't seem interested. It's all love love love. Love me.
Let me love you. I love you. I want love. Gimme your love.
Lovin' lovin' lovin'. Love love love love love. Oh, it
could kill me. I've got to purge these instincts somehow.
Not purge my ability to love, obviously, but purge this
obsessive zero-sum mentality. Because I think I'm smart
enough to know that no matter HOW fucked up I may or may
not be emotionally, there's no way that ANY good can come
of such a mentality.

So today I went into work in a horrible mood and decided to just
buckle down, and I just did some serious WORK. Researched my ass off,
took notes, made connections between disparate cultural events.
Notes, reading, timelines, typing, furiously. I worked myself into
that great stuporous buzz that I get when I'm shit-hot on the trail
of something and the endorphins are released -- the same feeling I
get from working on paintings, or intensive writing, or related
pursuits. The best part about being where I am is not the fact that
Pittsburgh is an open city, with lots to do, places to go and people
to meet -- that's a very nice part of it, sure, but the best part is
this realization of what I'm good at it, what I like, what makes me
feel useful.

So I'm even now. Also excited: Art Chantry comes to the
museum tonight to speak. He is the most incredible
designer. I saw him in the film 'Hype' for the first time,
and thought he was just brilliant. Here's to Art!