Tainted in shackles

Unintentional/iInTeNtiOnal DaMagE
2002-06-20 05:03:29 (UTC)

I wanted to kill myself

i wanted to kill my self when that test came back positive
i started to cry i mean cry hard. i looked at the box again
to make that i was reading it corectly 1 stripe no 2
stripes yes. as i read i started to cry harder. i was
pregnant the 3.00, senior in high school, supposed to got
to college not this fall but this summer. what was i going
to do i kept thinking to myself over and over again. the
night before lust and love had consumed us both not
thinking that I was the one who had to deal with the
consquences if i would have just thought a lil longer about
it before we ever started having sex months ago i would
have never even let him taste it, literally. I could not
have this baby i knew that from the beginning. If i got
pregnant through that condom something could have came with
it. I took the test a day afterwards. He came over the day
ater and i told him. He was like what you going to do. i
knew right there from his expression that if i would have
said that i wanted it he would have left right out the door
with one of those i'll call you tommorrows like they do in
the movies. But the truth is i am too young to have that
child and me being as smart as i ami know that i don't want
to bring a child into this world, knowing that i would need
anyones help to raise but my own the father included...and
he is not "father" or "Husband" material believe me. I
myself know how to take care of home but a home is not a
home when there is a child raising a child with no money to
support either. He can't keep a job and has totaled 4 cars
in 4 months. I would didnt want to but it was the only way.
I was so depressed after looking at that test that all i
did was lounge. I didnt know what to do i had $350 to my
name and being that im considered a minor i couldn't have
an abortion without consent. This part was the kick in the

This was what i did.

i knew that i had to have information. so i did research
extra lo-key i looked for agencies called around to the
ones closest to where i live which wasn't easy because
being that i was in school las month i could have got
busted skipping school, being that i could only go during
those hours if i had went by myseelf which means i knew i
needed Josh to take me. The places i called i got prices i
had to make sure that i had enough money so i could get it.
As you can prolly guess my boyfriend is like buggin
wondering if im having second thoughts i myself was worried
about my mother finding out or one of my other family
member for that matter. I found this 1 place called and
made an appointment i got all the info i needed papers &
docs. proving that i had been counselled about procedures
and every thing like that.( i knew form the git that there
prices where to high but since i knew i needed it told told
then that i'll make my app. over the phone....we split
from there and he took me home like i told him.)I didn't
know that i needed a attorney to get a bypass so i
contacted one. by this time i hadn' had an ultrosound but i
was guess that im about 2-3 weeks. During this week she got
my papers and i didn't even have to show my mug in court.
That next week i called this other place and made my app.
told J what time. Can you believe that he had the nerve to
ask me did i mind if he sat in the car. I told him what did
he think. we where there or some hours. Then she called me
my heart dropped it was like being called to the electric
chair.After the ultrasound i asked how far was i she said *
weeks . I was like 8 weeks ...thats alot farther then i
thought. I asked if that ment i was too late for the "Pill"
that terminates...she was like yeah...i wanted to cry..but
i held it in. before the procedure they had us sit in this
room i say us because it was other women in the back room
too. This 1 chick was telling us how it wouldnt really hurt
till afterwards, and that you don't really feel the
needle. "NEEDLE?!?!" i said she said yeah unless they put
you to sleep everyone back there was like put me to sleep.
Right after they said that they called me back there. as i
walked in the room i asked about the gas the manly lady was
like girl it won't even take that long by the time the gas
came to playthe suc. could have been over. Then i looked at
the table saw that needle was like fuck that then the
smaller lady was like remember when i told you the
procedure took 3 mins. i was like yea then she was like 2
of them are already gone. she relaxed on this hospital bed
she even held my hand through it. I will never forget that
sucking sound or the pain in my stomach and heart. After it
was over then she pour us some hot tea and gave us our
meds. i was out of it that day but the next day i had no
choice but to feel better becuz i was to take a test. Can
you believe that he didn't even offer to pay part of that
$250 for the abortion. that hurt me more than
anything...how could he not ask or pay. i haven't looked at
him the same since and i never will. he wasn't there for my
like he was supposed to be. and afterwards he spent 2.99 on
some chicken for me to eat got back to his house then had
the nerve to ask for the biggest piece. I couldn't belive
that he didn't offer to pay. then just yesterday he asked
if i wanted him to come over so we could you know what. he
will never have that pleasure again after that. Fuck him