The mediocrity that is me
"The snack that smiles back" " while you grind it's cheerful grin into a pulp with your teeth
You know what commercials scare the heck out of me?
Those damn goldfish commercials....you know what i mean.
The ones where all the kids are smiling and singing and
crunching down on goldfish and the slogan at the end chimes
out cheerfully "The snack that smiles back!"
What the fuck.
Does anyone else find something wrong with this? "The snack
that SMILES BACK"?!?! Excuse me?? It 'SMILES BACK' at you
while you're crunching off its little goldfish head. It
still has it's cheerful grin on its face while you shove it
into your mouth and grind it into an orange pulp-ish type
mess. And that's supposed to be APPETIZING? Holy jeepers
creepers, i must be out of the loop. Last I checked, most
people prefered their food DEAD when they consumed it --
not "smiling back."
I mean, come on. The slogan for the 'beef farmers' is
"Beef. It's what's for dinner." Not "Beef. Stick a fork in
it, and listen to it moo." or "Beef. Once a cow -- now a
burger" They even change the name of the animal product
from "Cow" to "Beef" so the burger or whatever on your
plate doesn't even REMOTELY remind you of those big,
gentle, MOO-ing animals that stand around and eat grass.
And let's not even get started on "Pork -- the other white
So then, why choose the slogan "The snack that smiles
back"? I don't know. Maybe it takes us back to some
subconscious canibalistic instinct that's present in human
beings. The repressed desire to eat something living. Or
maybe it's a power issue -- the desire to conquer something
helpless and innocent (like a goldfish cracker) and destroy
it completely while it does nothing but "smile back" --
powerless. Not only does the smiling goldfish cracker curb
your hunger, but it also quenches some sort of subconscious
thirst for power.
So next time you have a craving for those goldfish
crackers, pick one up at look at it, smiling back --- so
cheerful, so undeserving of the fate it is about to come to
--- and then quickly throw it in your mouth and chow down,
you bastard. I'll just stick with the carrots and ranch
dressing. They sure as hell don't smile back.