sweetkiten

my interesting life
2002-06-18 21:48:58 (UTC)

tears

i'm not sure exactly when I wrote this one sometime between
august and September 01

It was the most aweful thing I've ever said, "And so is all
your family." (I said this to my mom after she called all
my friends idiots I countered with that quote) Why couldn't
I have said something, anything else? I love all my family
whether they are or not. I hate myself so much. I am a
bitch. I should be shot. Please let me die tonight. I
deserve it. I feel so sick. I am so sorry. It seems that is
all I say now a days. Why? Why do I always do this? I'll do
anything to take it back...
Why do I feel ok? Why do I now feel like I could forgive
myself? I no longer feel sick. Am I damned? I want my
mommy's love. Please? Why do I defend them (my friends)?
Because I love them. I defend my family. Why not them? Why
am I trying to justify this? It is hurtful and stupid (what
I said). Are these instinct tears or real? Am I turning
into a monster? A monster who doesn't care? There is a war
going on in my head and heart as to who is right. I deserve
to die for all I have done...
It hurts again. I want my mommy. She is so mad. I didn't
mean it. God please save me from damnation. I want to make
things right. I have to tell her; I know it’s the only way
(tell her I know im adopted...my family still doesn’t know
I know by the way). I'm not a little kid anymore. I have to
take responsibility for my actions...
I wanted to die tonight. I think I just did. I feel empty
now. My soul feels like it's gone. Like it gave up. My eyes
are dull. I'm looking at a picture of me from when I was a
month old. My mom's hands are holding me straight. Keeping
me from straying. I need those hands again. I rejected them
along with her long ago. I thought I was ready, but im just
an immature child. Maybe thats why I have always felt lost
without a guy. Because I need strong hands to help me. I
don't know what I need obviously. I am a vicious girl.




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