The Game
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2001-06-20 07:22:08 (UTC)

Last to be picked.....

Ever play kickball as a kid? of course.... we all play
some sort of pickup game.... two people are the captains
and they take turn picking people for their teams.....
now.... did you ever have it come down to you and the
cross-eyed fat kid with a peg for a leg? did you ever get
picked last?

story of my life......

when i was a kid it made sense why i wasn't picked.... i
wasn't very fit then.... i guess that carries over....
shall we break this down?

as usual it comes down to ceely.... she is attracted to
pretty much every guy i know... and on a regular basis she
states how easy it would be for any of them to get with
her.... at the same time she says she is attracted to
me.... yet i can't get with her.... not unless derrick,
jim, stuart, daisy, whoever you like, not unless every
single other guy is unavailable.... then maybe, if she
hasn't had any male contact for a very long time and she
has nothing better to do will she get with me.... *sigh* as
usual i'm not fit to make the team.....

on the one hand i respect her for not lying to me when she
compares me to other guys.... she doesn't say i'm better
looking or smarter or funnier or more fun to be with or a
better kisser or anything else..... and she does compare me
to other guys... not usually as bluntly as she did
yesterday, but it is a continual thing..... so at least she
never tries to delude me about my own importance....

oh yes.... she says i'm not being totally stupid about
this... i do have problems but she says i may be deflating
my own importance..... *chuckles* she says i should pretend
to be optimistic..... ok.... sure..... lets do that....

one of these days everything will work out..... one of
these days i'll be picked first.... one of these days i'll
be able to have some say in when we do something.... one of
these days she'll realize i'm good for more than a flirting
coach..... one of these days she'll not get everything out
of me she wants and then leave..... one of these days
she'll actually do something just to see the smile it
brings to my face..... one of these days she'll value me
for more than someone to talk to..... one of these days
i'll be more than a big sister...... one of these days she
will do as much as she says.... one of these days her words
will mean something in the real world..... one of these
days i'll be happy.....

well now.... wasn't that a refreshing dose of optimism?

now for the reality.....

it isn't all her fault.... her mom will always control her
life..... i will always be nothing more than a tool to be
used when convenient.....

sadly, i'm going to miss her when she leaves..... i'm
actually going to miss being used..... because it is better
to be used occasionally than to be forgotten always.....

i know that i will get comments from katie about 'another
cheerful entry'..... i'm not sure mandi actually reads
this.... christine is mad at me, so i probably won't get
one of her pleasantly reassuring comments.... Cream will
tell me that she understands my pain and that everything
will be alright.....

and no matter how much i want her to, ceely won't comment
about it..... even though i would rather she did..... i
would love to come on here and find a long message that
lays all of her thoughts and feelings on the table, no
matter how harsh....

i wish things would just go my way once..... just once i
want everything to go smoothly....

but.... as long as i'm wishing i would like her to treat me
like any guy that actively wanted to be with her, but i may
as well wish to be Jim and actually have something going
for me..... for that matter lets wish for world peace, an
end to hunger, and a 1975 cherry-red convertible Mustang
with pearl interior......

*tosses a bag full of pennies down the well*

anyone want to cover a fifty dollar bet that not a one of
my wishes comes true??

Every day is another toss of the dice.

~~Fortis Exaequo Vita~~

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