Unholy and Dirty and Beautiful Me
2002-06-16 18:55:14 (UTC)

Father's Day

Somehow I got tricked into going to a dinner party at my
grandmother's house for Father's Day tonight. See, I wasn't
even planning on seeing my Dad. His half-assed attempt at
parenting has lead to my own recent lack of interest in
having a relationship with him. Or more, his wife.
Whatever. Anyways, I was thinking about and I know I'm very
lucky to have a father so I called him this morning and
said I'd drop by this evening. About an hour ago he calls
and tells me we're all meeting at grandma's house. I'll be there, of course.

I've got to keep up the apparent family tradition of
forced communication and phony interest in the lives of the
people who've acted bit-parts in the drama that has been my
life so far. This all makes me feel bad, because really I
should care more and actually be looking forward to
tonight, but it's a burden. I feel obligated to go, and I
should I guess.

Last weekend there was a dance in town and I ran into 3
exes.....weird but to be expected in this little town. Two
of the guys, who both broke my heart long ago, are now
happily coupled up with their potential future wives. CoG,
who told me I just wasn't wife material has actually
managed to hook up with E, his best friend who was supposed
to marry some guy but as rumour has it, skipped out on the
wedding and is now giving C a chance. He told me he was in
love with her when he broke up with me. Of course, that
never stopped me from having post-breakup sex with him...oh
well, that's a closed chapter for sure now. DeB, a guy I
dated the summer after D & I split until he left the
province on a days notice (read: DUMPING MY ASS) has kept
in touch with me since and is expecting a baby with his new
girlfriend who will be joining him back here in town next

The third of my exes there was who other than D. The big
loved-and-lost one in my life. The only boy I've ever loved
and who's eyes I can't look into without feeling it allover
again and I'm almost sure I can sense the same thing from
him. Of course, he's now fucked-up rich coke head and he
was there with some trampy looking blonde but that didn't
stop him from approaching me numerous times with that
stupid i-love-you-what-happened look up on his face. Oh
well, I just have to keep reminding myself that he is not
the same guy I fell in love with when I was 16.....he's not
the boy who used to sing me silly songs, bring me adorably
inexpensive gifts when he had no money and talk for hours
with me about our future together. No, he's just a lousy
coke-head now and any longing I feel for him ought to be
squashed immediately because there's no way things would
ever be the same again.

At this rate I am beginning to wonder if I'll be an old
maid, a spinster or something....RoP's having a kid, ApK is
having a kid, even DeB is having one......everyone is
having kids!!!! They're all crazy if you ask me, I am
planning to wait at least till I'm 25-30 to have my kids
but we'll see. Right now I'm not even interested in anyone
and I really need to go out and meet some new guys because
I'm so tired of running into the same ones. This is so lame.