silent thoughts........
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2002-06-15 12:55:33 (UTC)

dazed and confussed

well its been awhile ,but here i am again ready to have a
bitch at the world again.Glens been gone for just over 2
months now and its really driving me crazy.I`ve even
started to have nightmares,well not actually scary
nightmares there about him having ann affair over there,he
rang the other day,and i kinda lost the plot in the end
when he said that he wasnt comin back for the show,then
theres davids birthday too he`s going to miss,so i gave him
a piece of my mind and got really shitty.Part of me thinks
he wont screw around on me again ,and i hadnt thought of it
till i started havin the dreams either.When he rang i said
bout him being tempted by being away so long its not like
id now if he did either would i???
im tryin hard not to let theses thoughts get to me but they
seem to be slipping in there and playin with my mind even
when i think its not.He tells me all the time how he loves
me and misses me ,but like i said to him its easy to say on
the phone.Not having a car is getting harder and harder for
me ,the kids want to do this and that and with the weather
being how it is we dont do much at all,i know its hard for
them too not having there dad around to be there for them
and i feel guilty all the time because of it .I wish we
could be a normal family for a while.It seems to me that
its not worth him being over there,since he aint getting
the hours that he was,and its his bills getting paid not
mine ,here i am needing a washing machine and a car but im
always on the back burner,some how it just wont change i
dont think.i wish god would give me a break just for once.
Ive been speanding all my time at the school these days so
i dont loose the plot at home ,i enjoy being there.I think
susans getting the shits on cause i am there all the time
now and shes got issues with the school at the moment and
think she reakons i ought to back her on all her
decisions,but ive got my own mind and life to lead.ive
learnt a few things while glen hasnt been here ,i actually
say what i feel now and not hide it all the time.Shes tried
tp put me down at times in front of people and now i dont
let her,i got sick of listening to her say about being
blonde,considering that shes the one whos done and said
stupider thoings than i have lately.her nickname is
honeycomb!!!!lol...i really want a car i cant handle
waiting round for taxis and buses and it costs a
fortune,something extra i have to pay every week,i dont
think glen realizes that by the time i pay one bill ,get
the kids lunches on a thurs then taxi money etc i have
bugger all left im even payin his fine that he got in my
name no offer to pay it from him.i feel like at time i cant
get on top of my bills,while hes there spending his money
still going out and all i get is a payment once a
fortnight,i know all this sounds selfish and greedy but i
cant help it.he was the one who got us into this and yet im
the one paying for it all the time its just not
fair.sometimes i think is this all worth it in the end,god
we have been together now for nearly 12 years and have gone
through alot together ,i love him with all my heart i
really do ,i have always said he was my true love ,my
soulmate you could say i guess.times have changed for us we
had it all not so long ago,now we seem to have gone
backwards with our money side of things,and the one thing i
cant forgive him for is selling the car and lying to me
bout it ,he thinks im stupid because i dont say much when
it counts but i know!!, he didnt sell it he gave it to pay
off his debts.sometimes all in want is for him to really
appreciate me for what i do for him and for how i am,god i
dont go out ,drink ,smoke dont even talk to other males ,i
have respected all his wishes and for what ??? where has it
gotten me so far ?well got to go now cause my mind is
workin over time and i need to relax before i go to
bed,might have a pill and see how that goes.I have come to
realize one thing and that is i have no one to count on or
rely on but me!!!!!!!!! love just aint enough anymore..

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