psychomagnet

sleeptodreamher
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2002-06-15 05:28:48 (UTC)

bleeding is believing..

the delicate severing of capillaries, the transgression of
viens...the way your lungs scream for air when you are
knocked down by an intense wave and are momentarily lost in
the tide.. a need to kill something in me.. an allpurpose
solution that doesnt solve anything after the bleeding
stops and the calm subsides.. cut out the frustration the
emptiness loneliness most of all the dread of future, the
unarguable knowledge that the future will be no better than
the past or the present.. the knowledge that the
frustration emptiness and loneliness will creep back in and
settle again over me.. and sometimes the fear that the cuts
are only to look crazy in the unrealistic possibility that
someone will see the occasional visible ones, and not
accept the psycho cat story... but even then how sane could
i be, even if i were cutting simply to look crazy? and
how many cuts are nescessary for that, i would think only
one would suffice... one long methodical scar or laceration
would be enough im sure to be worrysome, so the need for
several each day on your upper thigh or hip would be
nonexistant.. yet there they are as his voice echoes in my
head and the blood drips down my leg warm and beautiful
taking for a moment all his pain with it, leaving the kind
i can deal with and a calm that as long as i have
cigarettes and razors i will be okay i can take it.. as
long as i have them i wont have to drive off the bridge and
when the bleeding subsides i lay awake at night thinking
how simple it would be to end it all that way a thrill
flying through the air smashing into the ground below and
then dead-never see him again, never meet anyone like
him,never think again of how much i need something i will
never have again and how it is all my own fault.. until i
fall asleep.. the next day bringing more thoughts that are
unavoidable and impossible to cope with.. i thought i grew
out of this "stage" i thought i grew out of him but no the
worst things for me will always return and i will fight it
until the last day which i can sometimes only hope will be
soon...

he just called.
im going.


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