psychomagnet

sleeptodreamher
2001-06-19 19:17:09 (UTC)

the slant...

...of buildings settling around me..."

well im just chilling here at home, today has been kind of
off... i woke up early and went to breakfast with ashley at
waffle house... we didnt really have breakfast we just sat
there for 2 and a half hours and drank coffee and smoked
and talked and it was nice... nice to talk to someone, and
to chill with her.. when i got home i felt sick nauseous
and i just laid there for awhile, then i got up and took
care of some shit... i think im sliding back into my
depression phase shit... i feel kind of empty, not like
christmas but mildly like that... i feel so emotional,
like i feel so bad for my mom, and so angry at my father,
and so hurt by matt i'm realizing he really doesnt give a
shit about me at all and i dont need friends like that,
and so disappointed in myself and so lonely, its like all
these strong feelings and ive been exploding again...
nothings fun, matts the only person i really chill with,
occasionally with gus or dawn and sometimes carolines
there, but hes like my main friend and for a while it was
fun we were like we're best friends and it was cute and fun
and stuf, and now its like rrrr i hate you all the time
both of us so critical and negative towards each other and
we dont have fun at all... it sucks i hate it...
im afraid im ending up like my mom, with all of her
problems.... i love my mom but she does have problems and
shes realizing and admitting it, and i dont want them and
i think i have them... i'm bipolar, and i think i have
borderline personality disorder... i hate it... i need a
friend a soul mate, i dont even want a relationship i
NEVER want to get married i just want someone to be close
to and take care of me and love me and be there for me and
theres no one in my life like that i wanted it to be matt,
i wanted us to be friends but now i dont even like him he
upsets me so much and my mom doesnt like him so its not
worth it, if he made me happy i would try to make her
understand but he doesnt at all... i think dawn and erica
are on their way over but im not sure, thats weird cus i
never chill with erica ever anymore but whatever im not
sure if theyre coming or not but im going to go lay down
for a bit and go into work at 5:30 i dont want to go early
today i dont actually want to go at all, but i have to...
and i'll write more later...