the life of me
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2002-06-14 02:43:03 (UTC)

June 10, 2002

well, it's over. they're gone. i guess that means i'm all
alone next year. i'll have russ, lauryn, lissa, whit, jess
(not 1st semester though...)... i guess i'll have all them.
but there was something about 114 that made me feel alive.
jackson always made me smile. and i was more myself with
him than anyone else. then tere's darrell. man, i could
tell him JUST how i felt. all the time... it didn't matter
if i felt that he was wrong, i told him anyways. i've never
been able to do that with someone. and he listened, i think
that was the best part. to have someone listen to me. plus
he always watched out for me. i'll miss being protected by
him. kris... just cuz he made me laugh. he's HILARIOUS...
baaa-wof... lol. sheep-dog. hehehe... get it? lol... stupid
stuff like that. carson cuz he said what was on his mind
w/out being afriad of what other people thought. bobby cuz
he acted so gay, but we all knew it was just an act :). at
least we hoped. dave... dave gave me hope. he's so
determined. he was born w/ this horrible disease... yet he
strives to be a normal guy. and he is. we see him as a
normal guy... not someone with MS. he's just winky. :) i'll
miss that cutie pie. *sigh* i'll miss them all so much. it
seems like i just met them and now they're leaving. yet i
know them so well... so i know i didn't just meet them. i
met jackson over a year ago. darrell almost 2 years ago.
kris when sarah liked him last april. and dave, carson, and
bobby when i was introduced to 114. they're such an
original bunch of guys. and they love me. i'll miss jackson
and darrell the most. they're both so sweet. darrell's my
bro. my duckie buddy. and jackson, well... i think i like
him more and more everyday. it's weird. i want to talk to
him all the time. russ says i should tell him. but grrr, i
dont' know. that could make things weird. but oh how i want
to hold his hand, to be loved by him.... *sigh* i'm falling
for him. autumn makes me so mad... she's always around.
it's like... um, hello... you HAD your chance... he didn't
like being w/ you and you TOTALLY ruled over everything (or
tried at least). i know she hates me. i was pretty happy
when jackson and i took our 'dating pose' last night for
our mommies to take pictures and she was standing right
there. yea, hehehe, that felt good. i was just like HA! you
can't have him anymore... he's mine. but he's not mine. i
only wish he was. russy hardly seems present in my mind
anymore. i've realized he's gone. just a friend. fine,
ok... no biggy. his loss right. HA! if only i could believe
that. it's just that jackson makes an effort to be w/ me
too... i'm not the only one wanting to spend time w/ him.
ya know? w/ russ... that's how i feel. but not w/ jackson.
in fact... he called ME this morning and asked if i wanted
to do something tonight. OF COURSE I DO! i hope i can make
it. :) YAY YAY YAY. i've only told russy how i feel. i
don't know how to tell anyone else. lauryn and 'lissa will
FREAK OUT. i know melissa won't ever drop it. and in the
back of lauryn's mind she'll be saying 'don't do it lyns!'
but russy's like... encouraging me to go for it. he just
wants me to be happy. would i be happy though? when jackson
finally leaves for PUC... would i be happy then? but i
already won't be. so i guess it wouldn't matter. i'm sure
i'll tell him someday. i just don't know how... or when.
but whatever. someday... :)

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